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1. LACSON FLEES COUNTRY, SAYS HE IS AFRAID OF HARASSMENT OVER DACER-CORBITO SLAY. All we need is a loony surrogate mother for Ping, and it’ll be a case of Jason Ivler déjà vu.

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2. NOYNOY AND VILLAR NOW NECK AND NECK ACCORDING TO NEW PULSE ASIA SURVEY. Meanwhile, the Philippines is also neck and neck with those bus drivers who honk their horns in going straight to hell.

3. JACKSON KIDS STEAL GRAMMY AWARDS. After her touching impromptu speech at MJ’s memorial, Paris must be kicking herself that this was all she could manage in front of Beyonce.

4. STARS CONVENE TO RECORD NEW VERSION OF “WE ARE THE WORLD” TO BENEFIT HAITI. It may be 25 years later, but it’s only a hop, skip and a jump from Cyndi Lauper to Celine Dion.

5. TEN AMERICANS CHARGED WITH KIDNAPPING 30 HAITIAN CHILDREN, INSIST THEY ONLY WANTED TO HELP. You know what the road to hell is paved with, right? Clueless American missionaries.