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(SPOT.ph) But the question is: Who else appreciates this much-touted afternoon telenovela/soap opera/ sitcom? The media? People whose toes curl upon hearing the words “purport,” “impugn,” “moto propio,” “manifest,” and “ad testificandum?” The senator-judges always like to say that this impeachment is for the Filipino people. Fuckit. I am a tax-paying member of the Philippine populace and I do not deserve to be bored. Here is a list of suggestions to liven up the impeachment, which, by the way, is funded in part by you and me, much to my endless annoyance.
1. PUT SUBTITLES
With his overwrought sentences, love of polysyllabic words, and sheer inability to express himself in plain and simple English, Justice Serafin Cuevas might as well be speaking Swahili. The solution: subtitles—for the benefit of the rest of us who do not understand legal gobbledygook. For instance, when he says, “Your honor (or if based on his actual phonetics “Yer hener”), if I may make a simple manifestation to this honorable court, your honor…” why not condense 16 tedious words into one punchy expression: “Yo.”
2. CONDUCT THE DEBATES IN RAP
Think Fliptop or Slam poetry or epic rap battles. I.e.
CUEVAS: “Yo, check it … Congressman Tupas/ Makinig ka, batang Hudas/ Nagtuturo na ako ng batas/ Habang lola mo’y umiinom pa ng gatas/ Nung pinanganak nanay mo ab initio/ Consti na ang aking bisyo/ Kaya ipasak na up your rectum/ Yang subpoena duces tecum.”
TUPAS: “Hoy, Justice Cuevas/ Malapit ka nang kumupas/ Dakdak ka na lang parate/ Pero amoy ka nang bulate/ Batas nga ang iyong buhay/ Pero tinatawag ka na ng hukay.”
3. MORE AIRTIME FOR ATTY. KAREN JIMENO
Even if she has recently broken many a heart by revealing to the media that she got married to her American investment banker fiancé. In a gallery mostly populated by faces that look like they emerged from a swampland, Atty. Jimeno is a refreshing visual respite. Or if Jimeno would not suffice…
4. HIRE MORE CUTE LAWYERS AND SPOKESPERSONS
Filipinos are an extremely visual race. Yes, it is easy to impute undue virtues to the cute, as the humorist PJ O’Rourke once quipped. But between Rep. Neptali Gonzales II and a lady who looks like a model straight out of a Koreanovela, which one is more pleasant to the retina?
5. ALWAYS AGITATE MIRIAM DEFENSOR-SANTIAGO
As Marikina Rep. Miro Quimbo once said in an interview: “We want her here. She increases the viewership by ten times.” Because when her blood pressure shoots up, she becomes viciously lyrical, spewing invectives worthy of Shakespeare. TV network executives should convince members of the prosecution panel to deliberately display the levels of incompetence and inefficiency that rankle Miriam. Oh, what’s that? They already do? Okay. But, more please.
6. TEXT VOTING
Since modern entertainment media has placed so much premium on audience interaction and everyone says the impeachment trial should be for public benefit, why not place the fate of the trial in their hands?