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15 Ways to Spice Up the Impeachment Trial
Says our SPOT.ph blogger Lourd de Veyra: "I am a tax-paying member of the Philippine populace and I do not deserve to be bored."
By: Lourd de Veyra  |   Published on: Feb 1, 2012 - 12:44pm

 

(SPOT.ph) But the question is: Who else appreciates this much-touted afternoon telenovela/soap opera/ sitcom? The media? People whose toes curl upon hearing the words “purport,” “impugn,” “moto propio,” “manifest,” and “ad testificandum?” The senator-judges always like to say that this impeachment is for the Filipino people. Fuckit. I am a tax-paying member of the Philippine populace and I do not deserve to be bored. Here is a list of suggestions to liven up the impeachment, which, by the way, is funded in part by you and me, much to my endless annoyance.



1. PUT SUBTITLES

With his overwrought sentences, love of polysyllabic words, and sheer inability to express himself in plain and simple English, Justice Serafin Cuevas might as well be speaking Swahili. The solution: subtitles—for the benefit of the rest of us who do not understand legal gobbledygook. For instance, when he says, “Your honor (or if based on his actual phonetics “Yer hener”), if I may make a simple manifestation to this honorable court, your honor…” why not condense 16 tedious words into one punchy expression: “Yo.”

 

2. CONDUCT THE DEBATES IN RAP

Think Fliptop or Slam poetry or epic rap battles. I.e.

CUEVAS: “Yo, check it … Congressman Tupas/ Makinig ka, batang Hudas/ Nagtuturo na ako ng batas/ Habang lola mo’y umiinom pa ng gatas/ Nung pinanganak nanay mo ab initio/ Consti na ang aking bisyo/ Kaya ipasak na up your rectum/ Yang subpoena duces tecum.”

TUPAS:  “Hoy, Justice Cuevas/ Malapit ka nang kumupas/ Dakdak ka na lang parate/ Pero amoy ka nang bulate/ Batas nga ang iyong buhay/ Pero tinatawag ka na ng hukay.”

 

3.  MORE AIRTIME FOR ATTY. KAREN JIMENO

Even if she has recently broken many a heart by revealing to the media that she got married to her American investment banker fiancé. In a gallery mostly populated by faces that look like they emerged from a swampland, Atty. Jimeno is a refreshing visual respite. Or if Jimeno would not suffice…



4.  HIRE MORE CUTE LAWYERS AND SPOKESPERSONS

Filipinos are an extremely visual race. Yes, it is easy to impute undue virtues to the cute, as the humorist PJ O’Rourke once quipped. But between Rep. Neptali Gonzales II and a lady who looks like a model straight out of a Koreanovela, which one is more pleasant to the retina?



5. ALWAYS AGITATE MIRIAM DEFENSOR-SANTIAGO

As Marikina Rep. Miro Quimbo once said in an interview: “We want her here. She increases the viewership by ten times.” Because when her blood pressure shoots up, she becomes viciously lyrical, spewing invectives worthy of Shakespeare. TV network executives should convince members of the prosecution panel to deliberately display the levels of incompetence and inefficiency that rankle Miriam. Oh, what’s that? They already do? Okay. But, more please.



6. TEXT VOTING

Since modern entertainment media has placed so much premium on audience interaction and everyone says the impeachment trial should be for public benefit, why not place the fate of the trial in their hands?

 

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29 Comments
  • democraZy
    ako: (reading)...bwahahahah...(reading)...BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH!

    anak kong 3years old: mommy, bakit ka tumatawa mag-isa?
    May 28 2012 @ 01:57pm     Reply  
  • Neil Luna
    This is one reason why Lourd de Veyra is someone I really look up to. :) Thanks Master!
    Mar 30 2012 @ 07:52pm     Reply  
  • nilonapo
    how about a clamor to join the Iglesia ni Vhing Rhames?
    Feb 27 2012 @ 10:51pm     Reply  
  • Nino Rota
    Soundtrack from JAWS, every time Miriam is on the Microphone,CUT TO Tupaz grimacing face! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Lourd, this made my Day!
    Feb 22 2012 @ 12:07am     Reply  
  • alberto glory
    chinky ang galing mag bigay ng talk.marami rin tayong matutuhan.idol ko rin si erwin romullo
    Feb 10 2012 @ 08:15am     Reply  
  • alberto glory
    maiba lang. one thousand pogi points para kay mike templo.gumagaling ka na.more insider ep.si maverick at ariel wala pa bang new shows.kahit sa aksyon tv. time slot nila 12mn-4am title the vigil show.nha ..parang master showman.move over mike mas bata sau si lucky.anggulo ng komento ko.'di aksyon weekend ang dapat abangan ngaun. dear spot. salamat sa pagha rang ng post ko. nalawa ung req. image last time
    Feb 10 2012 @ 08:13am     Reply  
  • pawlah15
    SPOT, can you please give this to the senator-judges especially JPE. Parang awa nyo na. Thank you!
    Feb 09 2012 @ 04:32pm     Reply  
  • pinoyqatari
    YEAH! more airtime and exposure to Mirriam Defensor the senate firecracker without her the hearing will be tediously boring.
    Feb 08 2012 @ 05:43pm     Reply  
  • mouth for war
    now, this one is a classic!
    Feb 07 2012 @ 06:54pm     Reply  
  • vina
    panalo ka Lourd!
    Feb 07 2012 @ 11:09am     Reply  
  • manangbok
    Loved this article! Damn right there should be text voting! Sen. Miriam's performances were worthy of primetime and all I can say is -- more! more! Niel Tupas' speeches sound like that of a high school senior, but yeah Barzaga's are worse (because of the diction) - afford naman nya siguro mag John Robert Powers? In fairness, marami ako natutunan na vocabulary sa impeachment like supplitory (?) meron pala non? I disagree with the longer airtime for Atty Jimeno but then I'm not a guy so there ...
    Feb 03 2012 @ 05:51pm     Reply  
  • HBK
    dapat may fireworks! tas yun usapan parang sa wrestling lang yun mga linya :D
    Feb 03 2012 @ 05:38pm     Reply  
  • akoito
    conduct the entire proceedings in Tagalog. Parang awa niyo na. Para sa akin. Para sa iyo. At higit sa lahat…para kay Lito Lapid.

    -LOL!
    Feb 03 2012 @ 12:36pm     Reply  
  • jolazki
    ayos ka talaga lourd maski kelan... hahaha
    Feb 03 2012 @ 12:20pm     Reply  
  • mylourd
    padagdag pa ito ng 5 pa para sa topic na ito:

    16. dapat may mga sponsors at tv ads ng mga real estate companies sa impeachment trial ni Corona tulad ng 40% discount sa isang condo unit para maraming magkainteresado sa pagbili ng bahay o condo sa mga kababayan natin. :D

    17. more pick up lines of Sen. Miriam Santiago, please. ;)

    18. kung magpapatawag si Midas Marquez sa impeachment court para pa-interviewhin siya ay dapat bagsakan niya ang lahat ng mga microphones sa sahig sa loob ng senate hall, as in buong senate hall! Imagine, magkakaroon ng maraming unpleasant at annoying static noise ang mga speakers ng senate hall kapag ginawa niya. :D

    19. dapat si Grace Lee ay present sa impeachment hearing at araw-araw siya pumupunta diyan and after the hearing, dapat may ambush interview siya sa mga media sa loob ng senate hall.

    20. [pwede kaya ito, maslalo na para kay Ronald Llamas?] I-record ang impeachment hearing sa TV at gawin siyang pirated DVD tapos ibenta sa mga bangketa at malls.
    Feb 03 2012 @ 10:20am     Reply  
  • Lapad
    Nahihiya ako para kay Lito Lapid. Walang kaalam alam sa Senado. Sana naman wag na sya tumakbo sa susunod na eleksyon...

    Out with Lapid, In with Baraquel!
    Feb 03 2012 @ 03:12am     Reply  
  • booty
    if the whole lot of them could just do one thing right , then let it be this : MEMBERS OF THE IMPEACHMENT COURT, SUBPOENA IS PRONOUNCED SUH-PEE-NA. NOT SABPINA. NOT SUBPENA. NOT SABPWENA. NOT SUBPEYNA. PLEASE. YOUR ATROCIOUS DICTION IS WREACKING HAVOC ON MY EARS. NOT TO MENTION THE UNTUTORED AND UNKNOWING WHO MIGHT BELIEVE YOU ARE SAYING THE EFFING WORD RIGHT !!!!
    Feb 02 2012 @ 11:12pm     Reply  
  • gongzilla
    COMEDY!
    hahaha
    Feb 02 2012 @ 10:00pm     Reply  
  • xan
    turn it into a reality tv show
    Feb 02 2012 @ 08:01pm     Reply  
  • Bisaya
    Er, bakit Tagalog? Hindi ba dapat Filipino? Pwede may subtitle rin in Bisaya, etc.? Yung malalim na Tagalog/Filipino words nahihirapan ang ibang hindi Tagalog. Just a thought. There are people in this country who can't understand Tagalog/Filipino too well.
    Feb 02 2012 @ 04:43pm     Reply  
  • kk
    the fack part killed me. hahahaha but i also feel it has to be done in tagalog.
    Feb 02 2012 @ 04:32pm     Reply  
  • fpjjr
    I call it the most watched Hapontuking serye of 2012.

    Sa Iyo Na Ang Corona!

    #SaIyoNaAngCorona
    Feb 02 2012 @ 04:29pm     Reply  
  • Daquiri
    Miriam is more than enough to spice up the trial.
    Feb 02 2012 @ 04:06pm     Reply  
  • alberto glory
    mammondok siomai bahay.naguliminahan nga ako kay rep.barzaga.
    Feb 02 2012 @ 11:06am     Reply  
  • alberto glory
    nyaha! gawing rap latin flitop..'yan ang lyrics.ung iba tagalog na nga binabaduy pa.Parang awa niyo na. Para sa akin. Para sa iyo. At higit sa lahat…para kay Lito Lapid.
    Feb 02 2012 @ 10:47am     Reply  
  • Jesuswasablackman
    Has anyone here played Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney on the Nintendo DS? How about making a manga-style series out of the Corona trial....
    Feb 02 2012 @ 10:09am     Reply  
  • monocle
    LDV, good one!
    Feb 02 2012 @ 08:58am     Reply  
  • Genuine
    I'm all for 15 recommendations by the Lourd but let's not get too far ahead of ourselves and concentrate on the doable and that's nos.3 and 15. Just looking at Ms Karen Jimeno makes me want to fall like Don Quixote falling for his lady Dulcinea. Eye candy to the max! lady Karen is.
    Feb 02 2012 @ 12:56am     Reply  
  • haha
    hahahaha, lito lapid
    Feb 01 2012 @ 09:03pm     Reply  
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