His mother hated unsolicited advice, but we can't help but give to kuya the following suggestions should he become the second President Aquino.
- Never again let youngest sister get away with indirectly insulting girlfriend Shalani Soledad by insisting a lifetime of bachelorhood. Do get married soon, and do let condescending youngest sister pay for wedding.
- Issue presidential decree: youngest sister should never, ever call him by that irritatingly sing-songy one-syllable name: "Nwwooooooy."
- Issue gag order on youngest sister–on whatever subject. Especially that schtick about her being a young Ninoy and her mother's favorite. Before she completely smears family name.
- Exile youngest sister to obscure African country (preferrably one with a protractedly bloody civil strife) if she does not shut up.
- On second thought: just banish youngest sister, given her propensity for periodic involvements in truly embarrassing scandals.
- Impose severe penalties on any media outfit that would glorify every trivial detail of youngest sister's life.
- Order immediate refurbishment of Club Filipino, which has become quite old and cramped. If you're going to make history, might as well change the tacky chandeliers. A repainting job for Kalayaan Hall is in order. It's become too dank and sad. Look at what the LP did during Noynoy's September 9 announcement: they rightly covered the damn place in screaming bright yellow.
- Should Mar Roxas agree to be his running mate, by all means, avoid, like what his mother did to Doy Laurel, calling his vice president "bangaw." That would be the height of ingratitude.
- Always keep in mind: if those National Bookstore postcards are to be believed, the Philippines has never had a bald president.

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Artwork by Warren Espejo







