"The year Asians fear," headlined a major broadsheet on the first day of 2010. Indeed, the Year of the Tiger has always been associated with social tumult. Case in point: the 1986 Edsa Revolt and the 1998 elections that easily catapulted Erap into Malacanang. Let's hope the Year of the Metal Tiger is when the world's greatest golfer regains his...whatever. Metal, after, is what golf clubs are made of, and we can be pretty sure that it can smash through car windshields. Nevertheless, it doesn't take a Nostradamus or a Madam Auring to augur that 2010 will be more insane than Hayden Kho running across a Cavite pineapple plantation. "Demons of 2009 to haunt New Year," screamed the title of Amando Doronila's essay on the Inquirer front page. Indeed, the seeds are all there, and we simply await the malignant growths. In any case, I'm sure that 2010 will also be anus horribilis or "ugly, ugly butthole." Already, PAGASA has predicted a long, inordinately hot summer. That's because God hates us all for calling him by the all-too contemptuously forward nomenclature "Bro," which is the title of a movie by the B-movie actor/producer Roland Gan Ledesma (Bro… Kahit Saang Engkwentro) and the name of a wireless Internet service that has left me deeply unhappy. In any case, the Philippines has always enjoyed a symbiotic relationship with misery.
Should we turn out wrong, don't blame us. You don't see me holding a crystal ball and wearing a turban on head, do you?
1. THE AMPATUAN CASE WILL BE FORGOTTEN. Especially with a press that has the attention span of a gnat. Remember the headlines that were once fed to us as if a matter of life and death: Garci, ZTE, Jocjoc Bolante, Con-Ass, Le Cirque, and everything else that made us indignant enough to spill into the streets carrying placards and silly performance art.
2. THERE WILL BE MORE MARITIME MISHAPS. And we thought we all learned our lessons after 2008's M/V Princess of the Stars.
3. ERAP WILL BACK OUT FROM THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE AT THE LAST MINUTE. Only then he will be confirm that the children of priests truly are entitled to aspire to the priesthood, too.
4. PACQUIAO WILL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF MAYWEATHER BUT WILL LOSE HIS CONGRESSIONAL BID IN SARANGGANI. Judging by form alone, our boy will render Floyd's face pink. But look, if the Pacman can't even get people to take him seriously as a movie star, what more as a legislator? Then again, there's always the Comelec Second Division, where nothing, it seems, is impossible, whether casting moral judgment on gays or discrediting Ramon Magsaysay Awardees for Public Service.
5. NOYNOY'S RATINGS WILL SLIDE DOWN WITH GLACIAL MIGHT. I have nothing against the man. But once upon a time, Lotlot de Leon and Jolina Magdangal had legions of fans, too. Then again he has Kris Aquino and Boy Abunda.
6. THE ELECTIONS WILL BE ONE BIG-ASS MESS. Come on, you really think automation is gonna work? Smartmatic's pronouncements– including the video showing counting machines being efficiently assembled in Chinese factories, plus its boasting of having delivered more than 3,000 units as scheduled– seemed to be more a triumph of spin than fact. Everyone's so busy with sinking ships, the Maguindanao Massacre trial, the Arroyo family's Hong Kong sojourn, that there was actually no way to confirm.
7. ANOTHER DESTRUCTIVE TYPHOON WILL HIT THE PHILIPPINES. This is an easy one. Ambiguity hinged on a significant degree of predictability is one of those cheap schticks employed by most so-called "celebrity psychics." Example: "May artistang mamatay ngayong taong ito!" "May magkasintahang maghihiwalay!" "May batang artistang mabubuntis!" What the f–k? Someone old actor always dies every year, dude. And we all know that showbiz isn't exactly the fount of eternal romantic unions, and that we are all privy to the semenal/ovarian prowess of the young hearthrob. Typhoons hit the Philippines with the same regularity of Kris Aquino mouthing hair-raisingly tactless statements. But the sad part: even after Ondoy, we never, ever learn from our mistakes. I hope someone would prove me wrong, but I'd really like to know: whatever happened to the 21-point disaster management plan architect Jun Palafox recommended to Malacanang a couple of weeks after September 26, '09? And PAGASA will still be terribly under-equipped.
8. NONE OF THE PREDICTIONS MADE AT THE START OF THE YEAR WILL COME TRUE. It's all crap– those especially those forecasts regarding fashion. "Turquoise will be the new black," "Vampire chic will be the rage." "Plain white shirts will rule the year." "Bangs will be soooo passé." Nobody actually double-checks. By the middle of the year, nobody actually gives a flying f–k. And they're usually made by people who look like they need emergency makeovers themselves. Same goes to those silly diet and health fad predictions. We'll all still be unhappy fatsos who'll never fit into slim-fitting vampire-inspired outfits.
9. AN ORGY OF INCREASINGLY AWFUL CAMPAIGN ADS. If you thought the "Padyak" and "Akala mo, coño" ads were God's way of punishing the Filipino televiewer, then this campaign season is what St. John of the Cross referred to as "the dark night of the soul." Already I can imagine: the worst ad copies, catchy jingles that cling to memory like dog poo, large-scale Wowowee-style choreography (with candidates not beneath humiliating themselves with displays of uttter absence of terpsichorean gifts), artistas prostituting themselves for the highest bidder, and catchphrases so criminally idiotic you can't help but vote for them.
10. THE BLACK EYED PEAS WILL RELEASE ANOTHER DUMB, SATANICALLY CATCHY HIT. This group, which has made a fortune out of songs that address our inner moron, will make another lyrical masterpiece in the tradition of "My humps, my humps/ My lovely lady lumps/ Check it out" and "Boom Boom Pow." Which suddenly reminds me, with fear and trembling unto despair: those Korean girl groups.
God help us all.
I really like your style.. youre so witty..
God forbid. If you can give me the right combination for the lotto, I will sure bet on you. This is the Pines, you can actually predict the predictable, and still, there are surprise numbers. Happy New Year Bernadette! Love, Margaret.
mr. De Veyra, as much as i would like to pretend that this year's gonna be all fine and dandy, i know that everything you've said is highly possible.. and that if you're living in the Philippines, there's no way to go but down. anyway, love this blog. cheers to a new year.
Lourd de Veyra who are you? hope elections went well and noynoy wins
Hi Angel, Si Lourd de Veyra ay isang poet, journalist at musician. At hindi pa tapos ang elections. Sa May pa.
Oh my... mashado kang mapagpintas. ano ba ang naitulong mo sa lupang kinatatayuan mo? if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen! parang dine detach mo yung sarili mo sa bansang kinabibilangan mo eh.
Lourd I agree with your predictions but I sure hope Noynoy keeps his support base and wins. We need to have some hope. It is not his fault that he has Kris for a sister. My quest to find the Black Sabbath vinyl continues - needle in a haystack...
Sa mga pro-NOYNOY, ito ang CAVEAT: Sa likod ni NoyNoy eh si PEPING COJUANGCO, ang Chairman of the Board ng KAMAG-ANAK INCORPORATED. Ano ang KAMAG-ANAK INC.? magtanong-tanong muna kayo ...'nuff said... Sayang ang mga boto niyo. VOTE FOR THE TRANSFORMERS !
vote for the transformers! kamay na bakal kailangan ng mga pilipino para madisiplina..thats why am not voting those previous election sucks!
Dear Lourd, This is my new year's gift for you. Enjoy! http://laurenleto.wordpress.com/readers-by-author/ I just hope we could work together again as I enjoy reading you always. In this day and age of irony deficiency, yours is an elixir. Thank you for the minerals and the irony. Kumusta sabi ni Mother G. Hindi na siya kalbo. Tapos na ang chemo.
Hilarious. I am especially praying that Erap does back out! Ang galing talaga ni Mr De Veyra.
hindi niyo kilala si lourd??siya ang may sense kausap kahit hindi halata. isa siyang palanca awardee, hindi lang halata. may segment siya sa TEN sa TV5 kahit hindi halata. hindi lang halata pero magaling siya. putting humor para tayo matuto sa drastically na kawawang pilipinas at mga pilipino! watch WORDS OF THE LOURD IN YOUTUBE...meron yun' dun, hindi lang halata.
tama si Yosef, yung ibang mauunlad na Asian Countries disiplinado at sumusunod sa Gobyerno, Transform na natin mga ugaling pinoy mna di maganda, tayo pa din may hawak ng pagbabago, tinatamad lng yung iba at negative masyado. Sa Transformers tayo, di lng talino at mabuting moralidad ang batayan dapat may Leaderships Skills din na mkapagiinspire sa Tao na disilinahin ang sarili. Transformers lng meron nun at nagawa na yun sa SUBIC.
sir lourd, lahat ng sinabi mo totoo. kesa sa mga walang kwentang hula-hula ng kung sino sino dyan. matinde! kamusta na ang aso mong marunong mag balat ng balot?
Wala pa ring kupas Lourd, malupit! Napaghahalatang mga alipin ng kabobohan ng Eat Bulaga at Wowowee ang hindi nakakagets sa satire ng sulating to. Which reminds me... Napupuna ko na may mga partisan ni Gordon at Bayani dito sa lugar na ito. Ipinagmamalaki niyong malinis at DISIPLINADONG lider ang mga yan? Halatang hindi niyo alam ang hokus-pokus sa Red Cross noong kasagsagan ng relief para sa mga biktima ng Ondoy-Pepeng at halatang-halata na ang bobo niyo sa public management. Hindi porke sumusuway na ang tao kamay na bakal kagad ang sagot. Hindi kayo marunong ng pakikipag-usap, at hindi ganyan ang politika. Kaya please, tantanan niyo na kami sa pagmamalinis niyo.
You know why this country as you say is "god forsaken"... because of stupid people that reads you articles like me and a "trying-hard-to-look-witty-but-stupid" writers like you... If you are even remotely intelligent... you will not be even writing your articles.... Chill
@Iblis At sino naman ang " malinis" mong kandidato aber? magtigil ka nga at hindi mo alam ang mga sinasabi mo....
I hope 2010 sees the return of funny satire on TV. We used to have Sic O'Clock News which was entertaining and in my opinion did a lot to educate us Filipinos. It brought to light the dark and dirty side of politics and political double speak, our sorry one-sided relationship with America, and it even educated us on social and cultural issues, all set to epic Filipino acting and one-liners. You are doing such a good job with your Word of the Lourd series! Thanks! I hope some group of writers and talents such as yourself expand on this format for TV this year.
Ang totoo nasa atin pa rin mamamayan ang susi dito. May kumakalat nga mga malilinaw na images ng Manila nung 1950s pa, ano nga ba ang meron noon at wala na ngayon? bkit ang ibang asian countries ay naachieve yon? diba ang MISSING ingredient natin ngayon ay disiplina? sinikil ito ng sobrang kalayaan na yung iba ay natutong magpabaya at umasa na lng sa iba. pinabayaan na ang URBAN planning na noon pa ay nandyan na, nagkahatihati ang NCR at lalo pa itong nagsira ng plano para sa pagkakaayos ng Metro Manila. kailangan natin ng mamumuno na kayang iinspire ang nkararami na sumunod sa tamang sistema para sa ikauunlad natin at ipamukha satin na bawat isa satin ay may resposibilidad gaya ng ginawa nila sa SUBIC.
Break muna at kumanta! Enjoy! Villar asks: Nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura Nagpasko ka na ba sa gitna ng kalsada Yan ang tanong namin Tunay ka bang isa sa amin? Noynoy answers: Di pa kami naliligo sa dagat ng basura At ang aming pasko ay sa Hacienda Luisita Yan ang sagot namin Eh kasi rich angkan namin. Gibô answers: Sa bathtub lang at hindi sa dagat ng basura Nagpasko sa kalye, pero dun sa Amerika Atleast umaamin Na super-blessed pamilya namin. Brother Eddie answers: Lalakarin ni Hesus ang dagat ng basura Sa pasko papakanin mga tao sa kalsada Promise yan ni Bro sa akin At sa limang milyong flock ko rin. Bayani answers for Gordon: Bakit nga ba mayroong dagat ng basura Kapag pasko tambak kasi mga yan sa kalsada Lahat yan dahil sa atin Tayo ang dapat na sisihin. And finally, Jamby answers: Si Manny Villar ay dapat lamang ibasura Dinoble n ya ang budget sa iisang kalsada Yan ang alam namin