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1. CATHOLICS ABSTAIN FROM RED MEAT DURING HOLY WEEK. And it's alright to keep mistresses, ask for lagay here and there and not pay your maid's wages as long as you quit eating tocino.
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2. BUS TERMINALS CRITICIZED FOR LOOSE SECURITY. We imagine the bus terminal people protesting, "But there haven't been any bombings lately!"
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3. MIKE ARROYO GETS TRANSFERRED FROM ICU TO REGULAR ROOM. Er, that's incredible–just how many more lives does he have left?
4. DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH WARNS PUBLIC ABOUT HEALTH RISKS IN SWIMMING POOLS. Forget about drowning and infectious diseases, people secretly peeing in pools is bad enough!
5. IN THE FACE OF ACCUSATIONS THAT HE DIDN'T HAVE SUCH A TELENOVELA LIFE, MANNY VILLAR INSISTS HE'S "TUNAY NA MAHIRAP." If he claims he can bathe in a sea of garbage, then by all means, let's have him demonstrate it.













