1. AMPATUAN CANNOT SLEEP IN NBI CELL, AFRAID OF GHOSTS. With all those massacre victims, that's got to be one crowded cell.
2. PACMAN STRIPPED OF GUSI PEACE PRIZE FOR BEING A NO-SHOW. The Gusi Peace Prize sounds like one of those raffle prizes at office Christmas parties–you can't win one unless you're around.
3. EBDANE BACKS OUT OF PRESIDENTIAL RACE, CITES LACK OF MACHINERY. How about a lack of credibility, buster?
4. GLORIA DECIDES TO RUN FOR CONGRESS. Gloria intends to stay on her seat of power the way I sit on the toilet when I get the latest issue of Vanity Fair.
5. 99 CANDIDATES FILE CERTIFICATES OF CANDIDACY FOR PRESIDENT. It's a good thing we're an overpopulated country. If we were New Zealand, everybody would be running for President and only sheep would be voting.













