Sen. Miriam Santiago whips Rep. Niel Tupas Jr., Sen. Lito Lapid’s real teleserye + more lowlights

1. P-NOY, 51, IS RUMORED TO BE DATING TV HOST GRACE LEE, 29 (WHO WAS ONCE LINKED TO HIS SISTER KRIS AQUINO’S EX, JAMES YAP). This P-Noy Love Life Update and the psychic’s prediction of a Kris Aquino presidency render the Apocalypse superfluous. (That’s because we’ll all die laughing before it comes to pass.)

2. SEN. MIRIAM DEFENSOR SANTIAGO GIVES REP. NIEL TUPAS JR. A PIECE OF HER MIND AT THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF CHIEF JUSTICE RENATO CORONA. Call an ambulance, it looks like he lost a lot of blood.

3. RETIRED ARCHBISHOP OSCAR CRUZ CHALLENGES P-NOY TO EXPLAIN HOW HIS NET WORTH INCREASED FROM P15 MILLION IN 2009 TO P54 MILLION IN 2010. We like to think he got paid for his (unintentional) endorsement of Coke Zero.

4. TWO COPS TAKE VINTAGE BOMB TO WELDING SHOP IN TAGUIG AND END UP DEAD (ALONG WITH TWO HAPLESS CIVILIANS) . May their souls rest in peace...but the fact that two cops opted to defuse a bomb via welding makes us very, very scared.

5. BIR COMMISSIONER KIM HENARES LOOKS LIKE SHE’S ALWAYS ON THE VERGE OF SMILING WHILE ON THE CORONA IMPEACHMENT TRIAL WITNESS STAND. Either TV cameras trigger her curious expression or she’s really very happy to be a witness.

6. COLORED CHICKS A HIT WITH KIDS, BUT NOT WITH ANIMAL RIGHTS GROUPS. Do any of these abused chicks live to be full-grown chickens?

7. WEEKS AFTER FALSE SIGHTING OF HIM LOUNGING BY THE PEN’S POOL, ED NORTON FINALLY ARRIVES IN MANILA. The Bourne Legacy has definitely given the Pinoy hoax industry a big boost.

8. SEN. LITO LAPID SIGNS UP FOR TELESERYE AS WIFE GETS ARRESTED IN THE U.S. FOR SMUGGLING $50,000. We know which teleserye is going to have him in tears.

9. AFTER PRESIDENTIAL POLITICAL ADVISER RONALD LLAMAS IS SEEN BUYING PIRATED DVDS, SOME SAY HE SHOULD RESIGN. As long as he wasn’t buying pirated copies of Segunda Mano, then he’s OK. (If they didn’t fire him for the gun incident, do you think they’ll fire him for his pirated DVD shopping spree?)

10. HAZEL JONES, A UK WOMAN WHO HAS TWO VAGINAS BECOMES A PSEUDO-CELEBRITY, CLAIMS SHE’S SHOWN OFF HER "THING/S" IN SEX CLUBS. James Bond author Ian Fleming named one of his female characters Pussy Galore-it’s sad he’s no longer around to meet Hazel Jones.

Art by Warren Espejo

Image credits: Images used in the artwork are from screenshots of TV network news clips, except for Lito and Marissa Lapid (PEP.ph)