Quark’s mommy woes, Volcanoes take the heat + more lowlights

1. FORMER PRESIDENT GLORIA MACAPAGAL-ARROYO SAYS SHE’S READY TO FACE GRAFT AND MALVERSATION CHARGES. The chances of her going to jail are about the same as P-Noy growing back all his hair.

2. P-NOY THREATENS CORRUPT OFFICIALS. All threats and no real action makes this president one hell of a... (Can you say, "Meow"?)

3. FORMER PCSO GENERAL MANAGER BREAKS DOWN DURING A SENATE HEARING. Lady, that trick is older than Satan.

4. BUSINESSMAN WHO FELT OFFENDED BY SEN. MIRIAM DEFENSOR SANTIAGO FILES AN ETHICS COMPLAINT AGAINST HER. Sir, put your affairs in order and consider signing up to be an organ donor.

5. ZALDY AMPATUAN, WHO WANTS TO BECOME A STATE WITNESS, CLAIMS HE WAS WITH GMA ON THE DAY OF THE MAGUINDANAO MASSACRE. You don’t always have to be at the scene of the crime to be part of it. (Remember "Hello, Garci"?)

6. SOME BISHOPS GIVE BACK THEIR "PCSO-SPONSORED" VEHICLES. Is delayed shame a mortal or venial sin?

7. SOME AZKALS MEMBERS ARE NAMED IN A RAPE RUMOR. Those painkillers will come in handy now.

8. LOVI POE SAYS SHE HAS TIME TO DATE AGAIN. But Ronald Singson doesn’t.

9. QUARK AND CRISTALLE HENARES DON’T EXACTLY APPROVE OF MOM VICKI BELO’S PLAN TO MARRY HAYDEN KHO. Kids, you can’t do anything else but let your mother’s madness run its course. (As long as it’s not caught on video.)