Hashtag Your Face (Annoying Social Media Users)

A SPOT.ph guest writer asks: what do you <em>love</em> most about the Internet?

 

(SPOT.ph) At the top of this list should be whiners. People who complain about the people on their news feed. There's an unfollow and hide option, in case you never explored it. Do us (and yourself) a favor, and just click that button. You don't need the negativity on your feed.

 

This seems a wee bit hypocritical because here I am whining, so why do this list at all? It's not just because I can. It's because of the other annoying people in social media networks you just can't avoid. Sometimes you just don't want to get into a fight because some people get really upset if you unfollow or hide them. It's so hard to explain that you're really just not interested in what they're posting and you want to unsubscribe from their daily brain farts.

 

Because there's that friend who does nothing but announce to the world how great their life is and you really don't want them to keep rubbing it in your face:

 

Hmm, I don't know if I should go to Singapore or Hong Kong this summer. Ugh, so hard to decide! #FML

 

This is bordering on that other annoying habit of social media users, which is humble bragging or the art of whining about the praise you get from other people. Their status usually reads:

 

Kakainis! The guy at the counter at the cinema was asking for my ID. I'm 25. Don't I look old enough to watch a PG-13 movie? Hay.

 

Aw, poor you. Looking young is so irritating. All these people spend so much money trying to look as old as possible. Oh wait, no, they don't. They actually wish they looked young, too. So you, don't be greedy and stop fishing for more compliments. You're pretty, we get it.

 

But clearly, you don’t think we get it. Nope, no sir. You need to remind us every single day that you have a face. You have albums dedicated to your face. Not portraits, not a modeling portfolio: just your face in absurdly banal places. You document your FACE while you drive to the mall, your FACE when it gets to the mall, your FACE while you’re waiting in a coffee shop for your friends, you ask your friend to take a photo of your FACE while you hold the coffee to your cheek and you stare out into space, your FACE reflected in the bathroom mirror of the coffee shop... it doesn’t stop. I don’t check my account very often but each time I open it? YOUR FACE. Inescapable. God-like in its omnipresence.

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On the other side of the spectrum are the depressives. I am guilty of this and here's something I learned: don't spill your tears on the Internet. This is like when you get stabbed or shot on the street and you yell for them to call the ambulance and no one does because they think someone else will take care of it. Be direct and message a friend because if you post it as a status, people will ignore it, they'll make fun of you behind your back, or they'll do that other annoying Facebook behavior of people "liking" your misfortune. Imagine: you had a bad day and you decide to post a status that reads "This just isn't my day!" and after two or three seconds, someone likes it. Why would you "like" my having a terrible day?

 

But what's worse than someone liking your bad day is someone commenting on your status with something completely irrelevant. Under "This just isn't my day!" is a comment that reads:

 

Oh, sorry to hear that. By the way, can you like this page?

 

Are you kidding me? Is there a hidden camera somewhere? Where's the punch line?

 

The key to advertising is not to advertise. Be underhanded and subtle. And speaking of subtle, this art seems lost on a lot of people. It's mortifying when people post things on your wall that should be left in the inbox, like:

 

Si Tita Blessy mo ’to! Ang laki mo na pala! Huli kitang nakita, nagtatatakbo ka pa ng hubad sa bahay!

 

And of course, since it's Tita, you can't unfriend her. But yeah, at least you can restrict her. Whew.

 

While all this is classic annoying social media behavior, one thing seems to be (ahem) trending. What is up with these damn hashtags? It's essentially just your good old fashion tags, but now it comes with a symbol because Twitter and Instagram's interface are limited.

 

Now, here’s the thing about hashtags or tags in general: tags work really great in Tumblr and tags serve no function in Facebook. It's not particularly annoying to use a hashtag on your status but... uh, why?

 

On Twitter and Instagram, it makes a little sense. Let’s get something straight: tags are for searching. Tags are not for highlighting your feelings. So why these tweets?

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Kakainis! #Worst #Day #Ever #So #Sad #FML

 

What's even more baffling are Instagram posts that look like this:

 

#Food #Foodum #Foodie #Foodporn #Nomnomnom #Eats #Bites #Dining #Yum #Yummy #Delicious #Delish #Dining #Cuisine #Delicacies

 

No captions. Just a stream of hashtags that scream NOTICE THIS AND LIKE ME PLEASE! Further proof that we are living in an age where validation comes from a thumbs-up or a "heart."

 

And to the #food #foodum #foodie #foodporn photographers on Instagram, we’re not underestimating your craft. Sometimes, food looks just absolutely gorgeous in pictures. But must you really fill our feed with these images? Do you want us to lick the screen in envy? Must you do it during midnight, just to spark odd cravings during odd hours?

 

Fortunately SPOT.ph doesn’t have an Instagram page (yet). The Spot Facebook page alone is a gigantic diet deterrent. And now I’m hungry. Damn it!

 

Art by Warren Espejo

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