10 Ingredients for an Awesome B-Rated Slasher Film

The story is so riveting! The characters are so fleshed out!

 

(SPOT.ph) If you’re hotter than your best friend, you are probably going to die. The meek one in the group always has the best chance of survival. Know-it-alls march towards death, boyfriends have the highest mortality rate (unless they’re actually the killer), and the junkie/outcast will save everyone somehow. We love a good  B-rated slasher film and we don’t just love it for the gore. We also love the plot. LOL.

 

A bit of disembowelment here and there

 

Sweet, sweet revenge

They say that forgiving is divine and in real life, we encourage this. However, in fiction, revenge porn is an actual genre. While watching I Know What You Did Last Summer, didn’t we all feel like they somehow deserve it? These teenagers did kind of run someone over and leave him there to die. And in I Spit On Your Grave, you want that girl to brutally mutilate everyone because rape is wrong. Rapists need to be tortured, left to heal, and then tortured again. Violence is best enjoyed when it isn’t senseless. (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, though popular, is a sick movie. So is Hostel. No to exploitation.)

 

Axes in films are strictly for chopping people

 

Hardware

Axe, chainsaw, regular saw, hammer, nailgun...open a toolbox and grab the first thing you see. Pliers go well (or don’t go well) with teeth. Screwdriver to the eye. Drill...anywhere.

 

Hey

 

Masks

There are many films that prove that masks are unnecessary to in the thrill of the chase when hunting down a serial killer (or just a regular killer). The Red Dragon was intense despite the fact that the audience knows something that (the very handsome) Will Graham doesn’t...but that’s an "A" movie. It’s just so much more fun when you and your friends try to outsmart each other while watching something mindless(ly fun). Remember: it’s never the suspicious character. Of course, masks add that "iconic" feel to an otherwise derivative story. Halloween is really Friday the 13th, which is also Scream, and is also everything else that involves one person hiding his/her face and killing people creatively. But we keep watching. Because blood! Guts! Annoying character gets hacked to pieces!

 

B-movies are pants optional, apparently

 

White shirt / dress

The shirt will get progressively dirtier as the plot devolves into screaming and running. It will get wet. It will get ripped. And yes, there will be blood.

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Boobs. Bloody boobs, but boobs nonetheless.

 

Boobs

This is important. It’s not officially a B-movie if there is no gratuitous nudity...and it has to be gratuitous. We’re not entirely sold on people dying while foreplay is happening, but if you think about it, there seems to be no better time to die than when you’re in the throes of passion.

 

Yeah, those books are hiding you pretty well

 

An enclosed space

The last stall in a bathroom. The killer will kick doors open one by one. You know what you should do? Take your shirt off and when he kicks it open, shake it like you mean it to distract him. Then run. In shame. (Guys, sorry. We don’t know how to save you.)

 

Cars are deathtraps

 

A car that won’t start

It’ll put-put-put and you will cry while the killer is trying to break the glass open. Give the steering wheel a few good solid pounds with your fists before you give up and try to get out through the passenger side. Try not to break your foot (we’re telling you now that you will probably sprain it...limping while you’re in tears is cinematic) because you will be running. Running! (Slasher films are the best motivations to stay fit. Cardio guys. You don’t need to be sexy, just healthy enough to outrun a deranged psychopath!)

 

Dying by candlelight. Very classy.

 

Zero electricity and your phone is useless

If you’re in a house or establishment, the lights will go out and the phones will be dead. People in developing countries have an upper hand. And smokers with lighters, where ya at? (You lose in cardio, but you’ll be useful for a couple of minutes. Let’s just hope your death is glorious!)

 

Shut your mouth and punch or something

 

Yelling when you could be doing something

This is fun. Very fun. We just love it when the hot chick is just screaming her lungs out, while we’re enumerating everything in her vicinity that she can use to defend herself. Unless that serial killer is using a bazooka, you can do something to hurt him, sweetheart! We suggest you learn how to hit someone’s windpipe, knock someone out by wacking them on the temples, or you know...go for the gonads. (By the way, it’s the hot chick screaming because guys die first. Cause of death: ignorance and arrogance.)

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You cray-cray

 

Nobody believes you

If you make it to the police station, they’re not going to believe anything you say. It’s because you sound crazy. As crazy as that creepy old guy who tried to warn you that this will happen. Sometimes it’s also because the whole town is in on it. If they’re not, there’s a good chance that the killer will decapitate them (or something). Grab the head and yell at it. Told you so!

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