A roundup of the past week's lowlights in news and pop culture.
1. GMA NAMES MANNY PACQUIAO AMBASSADOR FOR PEACE. Because nothing says "diplomacy" like boxing gloves and a formidable knockout record.
2. MANNY PACQUIAO'S GROSS EARNINGS FROM RICKY HATTON BOUT JUST $4 MILLION SHY OF THE $16 MILLION THE PHILIPPINES ATTRACTED IN FOREIGN INVESTMENTS FOR ALL OF FEBRUARY. In a related development, Pacman pulls out of Sarangani congressional race to run as President of his own country.
3. ANGELS & DEMONS OPENS. Due to a breakdown in negotiations, Tom Hanks' hair from The Da Vinci Code will not be returning.
4. SANDRA SEIFERT WINS MISS EARTH AFTER BEING DISQUALIFIED FROM BINIBINING PILIPINAS FOR POSING IN FHM. Maybe they should have crowned her Miss Earthy, instead.
5. DAVID ARCHULETA AND DAVID COOK PERFORM IN MANILA. Who says screaming teenage girls and their cougar mothers can't have a good time together?
6. SUPPOSED KATRINA HALILI-HAYDEN KHO SEX VIDEO TURNS OUT TO BE RISQUÉ REHEARSAL FOR CELEBRITY DUETS. Maybe they thought the show was called Celebrities Do It.7. BISHOPS BAN GAYS FROM JOINING SANTACRUZAN, SAYING THEY CAN CARRY TORCHES FOR THE SAGALAS. Meanwhile, heterosexuals can carry torches as the lynch mob against gays.
8. AFTER EXECUTIVE CLEMENCY AND COMMUTED SENTENCE, SOLDIERS CONVICTED OF AQUINO-GALMAN DOUBLE SLAY NOW WANT ABSOLUTE PARDON. Oh, and a few millions of those Balikatan funds would be great too, thanks!
9. 17-YEAR-OLD BAPTIST IS SUSPENDED FROM SCHOOL FOR DANCING AND HOLDING HANDS WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AT HER PROM. Who knew the idea for Footloose was ripped straight from the headlines?
10. INTERNET PICTURES SHOW PRINCE WILLIAM GOING BALD AT 26. At least they don't show him peeing beside a fence on the side of the road. Oh wait…they've done that.