1. SUSAN BOYLE THROWS INVECTIVES AT PAPARAZZI, PLACES SECOND IN BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT. So much for "I Dreamed a @#$%&*! Dream".
TV Guide report on Susan Boyle's breakdown
2. CALOOCAN BANK ROBBERS ARRIVE AN HOUR EARLY FOR ARMORED TRUCK DELIVERY, GET NABBED. Hey, guys! Ever heard of Filipino time?
3. BEWINGED SACHA BARON COHEN, DRESSED AS GAY CHARACTER BRUNO, DROPS FROM CEILING AT MTV MOVIE AWARDS AND PLANTS POSTERIOR IN EMINEM'S FACE IN SHOCKING STUNT. Talk about being touched by an angel!
Bruno's close encounter with Eminem, from a CNN report
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4. MALACAÑANG ADVISES PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL GILBERT TEODORO TO "EXPOSE HIMSELF MORE." With sex video scandals still hogging the news, I think there's been enough self-exposure, thank you very much!
5. CIRQUE DU SOLEIL OWNER BECOMES FIRST CANADIAN SPACE TOURIST. But then…Cirque du Soleil shows already seem like they come from outer space, don't they?
6. CHARGES FILED AGAINST TAIWANESE BUSINESSMAN WHO MELTED PHILIPPINE COINS TO MAKE BATHROOM FIXTURES. I know our currency is in the toilet, but this is ridiculous!
7. SENATOR JAMBY MADRIGAL FALLS ILL; COLLEAGUES PRESSURE HER TO GET TESTED FOR H1N1 VIRUS, SAYING POSSIBLE CONTAGION WILL BOG DOWN SENATE. What was their excuse before swine flu?
8. CHINESE-CANADIAN ACTOR EDISON CHEN APPEARS ON CNN TO TALK ABOUT HIS 2008 SEX VIDEO-PHOTO SCANDAL. Ha! Beat you to it again, Hayden! (Watch the video on CNN.com)
9. SENATOR ENRILE IRKED BY UNSOLICITED PROMO TEXTS AND DEDUCTED LOAD THAT HE DID NOT USE, VOWS TO INVESTIGATE TELECOM COMPANIES. Up next on the Senator's irk list: buses that honk their horns for no reason and guys who wear tails on the backs of their heads.
10. FRENCH FILM FESTIVAL OPENS AT THE SHANGRI-LA MALL. It's that time of year again, cinemaphiles–when we can sigh over the beauty of Paris and pretentiously misuse French phrases, n'est-ce pas?