THE HIT LEAST #12: Last Week's Lowlights in the News

1. GLORIA: "AS LONG AS I HAVE THE PEOPLE OF PAMPANGA, I DON'T NEED TO BE POPULAR." How bad does an administration have to be to invoke the "a-President-only-a-Cabalen-can- love" defense? By Andrew Paredes

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A roundup of the past week's lowlights in news and pop culture:

1. GLORIA: "AS LONG AS I HAVE THE PEOPLE OF PAMPANGA, I DON'T NEED TO BE POPULAR." How bad does an administration have to be to invoke the "a-President-only-a-Cabalen-can-love" defense?

2. PAMPANGA GOV. ED PANLILIO SAYS GOD WANTS HIM TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2010. In a related development, PAGASA has spotted a cloud of crazy hovering over Cabalen country.

3. TOTAL ECLIPSE SEEN FROM INDIA, CHINA, AND JAPAN. Millions of people across Asia are heard singing "Turn around…turn around, bright eyes" in three languages.

4. MEDICAL CANNABIS TAX MEASURE PASSED IN OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA. Frat boys and long-haired people who wear tie-dyed shirts start forging medical certificates.

5. TIMES SQUARE PERFORMANCE ARTIST THE NAKED COWBOY THROWS HAT IN NEW YORK MAYORAL RACE. Maybe God told him to do it.

6. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER RELEASES TWITTER VIDEO EXPLAINING CALIFORNIA BUDGET DEFICIT, BRANDISHES HUNTING KNIFE. When your state's financial woes begin to resemble a low-budget action movie from the '80s, be afraid. Be very afraid.

7. HILARY CLINTON SAYS NORTH KOREA HAS "NO FRIENDS;" NORTH KOREAN ENVOY CALLS CLINTON A "VERY FUNNY LADY" WHO IS "NOT VERY INTELLIGENT." When nuclear disarmament talks being to resemble a kindergarten playground, be afraid. Be very afraid.

8. FEMALE ROBOT DEBUTS AS MODEL IN TOKYO FASHION SHOW. Uh…so they weren't robots before?

9. TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA DIES. At his memorial, Lassie and Rin Tin Tin credit themselves for recognizing his genius early, while his family bickers over who gets to raise his litter.

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10. ALING DIONISIA TELLS ABS-CBN SHE WANTS TO BE PIOLO PASCUAL'S NEXT LEADING LADY. Star Cinema executives are said to be mulling Pinoy remakes of Harold and Maude, The Graduate, and Misery.

  

  

Artwork by Warren Espejo.

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