THE HIT LEAST #18: Your Cheat Sheet to the Hit Headlines

NOYNOY ADVISED BY MALACAÑANG TO "BE HIS OWN MAN." Gloria should talk. Her height barely qualifies her to be her own person! BY ANDREW PAREDES

A roundup of the past week's lowlights in news and pop culture:

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1. NOYNOY ADVISED BY MALACAÑANG TO "BE HIS OWN MAN." Gloria should talk. Her height barely qualifies her to be her own person!

2. SUPREME COURT STOPS GMA FROM CONFERRING 2009 NATIONAL ARTIST AWARDS. Carlo J. was so pissed, he challenged the justices, "Suntukan na lang tayo!"



3. POLICE CHASE CARABAO FROM SAN JUAN TO MANILA. It seems the carabao was guilty of illegal plowing.

4. SOUTH AFRICAN SPRINTER CASTER SEMANYA IS QUESTIONED ABOUT GENDER. Thanks to Nancy Navalta, this is a race the Philippines won years ago.



5. MMDA CHAIRMAN FERNANDO ADMITS TO ACCEPTING P1.6 MILLION IN "GIFTS" FROM THE METRO MANILA FILM FESTIVAL. Must have been a very merry Christmas, Bayani!

6. "SALAMAT, PGMA" TARPS FROM "URBAN POOR" PREPARED FOR GLORIA'S BAGUIO VISIT ACTUALLY PAID FOR BY THE GOVERNMENT. They would have printed banners saying "You're welcome, suckers!" except there wasn't enough room in the budget.



7. VENEZUELA WINS MISS UNIVERSE FOR SECOND YEAR IN A ROW. In a related development, Venezuela sees influx of trucks smuggling horndogs and dirty old men.

8. MOVIE PRESS ASKS MANNY VILLAR AND NACIONALISTA PARTY SPOKESMEN ABEL TAMANO, GILBERT REMULLA, AND ALAN PETER CAYETANO ABOUT ENCOUNTERS WITH HOMOSEXUALS. And so begins the high-minded political discussions that will characterize election year 2010.



9. CHRIS BROWN SENTENCED TO FIVE YEARS' PROBATION FOR BEATING UP RIHANNA, IS PHOTOGRAPHED PARTYING WITH GIRLS. Chris Brown, to hell with you…with you…with you…with you…with you…

10. PARIS HILTON RETURNS FROM HUMANITARIAN TRIP TO GUATEMALA. Paris told reporters welcoming her at the airport, "Did you guys know Guatemala is a country…not the stuff made from avocados that we put on nachos?"


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