Who Are the People in Your Facebook Neighborhood?
A quick guide to the different kinds of Facebook friends, each with a unique way of answering that all-important question: What's on your mind?
1. The Chronic Quiz-Taker Every time you log in, you learn a new tidbit about her–that she would be Coffee Crumble if she were an ice cream flavor (because she's sweet, perky, and a bit nutty), that she was a lady-in-waiting in her past life, and that her dream guy is most like Ted Mosby of How I Met Your Mother. This friend either suffers from an identity crisis or simply has way too much time on her hands.
2. The Jetsetter Greetings from Rome! I just checked into my hotel in Tokyo! I just spotted Zanessa in LA! Sure, it's cool that she travels a lot, but then she starts giving you her itinerary down to the last insignificant detail (oh really, you're having lunch at noon?). And then she starts posting updates in a foreign language and everyone clicks "like" because it's the cool thing to do. Do people even understand what she's saying?
3. The Txt Spkr His updates read like hieroglyphics: Jst hd brkfst. M 2 lzy 2 go 2 d gym ryt nw. Or worse: Pgod n poh aq. Cnfusd yt? This person needs to be introduced to vowels and a spelling teacher, fast.
4. The Farmer, The Typist, or The Mafia Warrior He just harvested his tomatoes and cabbage. Congratulations are in order, because he is now an alien. He would like you to join his gang, please. The rise in popularity of these FB applications is directly proportional to the decline in productivity in the workplace, and eventually leads to an inability to live a normal life. If you know these people, and you care enough to save them from their crippling addiction, do convince them to get some help. Their future is in your hands.
5. The Emo Kid Her driver is 10 minutes late and she is, like, sooo pissed. Her dad wouldn't give her money for her Friday night gimik. Her black polish-painted nails are chipped. Her hair won't behave today. Her tummy hurts. You can't remember an update where she didn't complain about anything. This is a social networking site, not confessions of a teenage drama queen.
6. The Lyrics-Quoter Closely related to The Emo Kid, except he uses whiny song lyrics to get his point across. Most of these quotes are questions that nobody is really expected to answer: Do you love me still, or do you just mean well? How am I supposed to live without you now that I've been loving you so long? Am I your fire, your one desire?
7. The Significant Other Guilty of committing the online equivalent of PDA, The S.O. is incapable of posting anything–status messages, photos, videos, comments–that does not refer to the object of his affection. In the event of a relationship milestone, a major fight, or a (gasp!) breakup, he may transform into The Emo Kid or The Lyrics-Quoter. Also, in the event of a (gasp!) breakup, he will immediately change his status to "single," complete with that sad little sympathy-seeking broken heart icon, which will prompt friends to ask what went wrong and assure him that things are going to be okay.
8. The Compulsive Tagger You know how some photos should not, under any circumstances, be uploaded? The Compulsive Tagger does not understand this unspoken rule. Not only will she dutifully upload pictures of your wild drunken night, she will also tag you in each and every one of them, including the ones where you're hugging the toilet and the ones where your mouth is open wide enough to accommodate a speeding train. She will also tag you in videos, illustrations, and notes that have absolutely nothing to do with you.
9. The Chatterbox "Hey, what's up?" he asks, the second you log in. He is always online, always available, and never easy to get rid of. When you say, "I'll be right back," he will wait. And wait. And wait. And then he will ask again, "Hey, what's up?" He is the reason why you wish Facebook had an invisible option. Or at the very least, a busy mode–not that he's bound to take the hint.
10. The Friend Who's Not Exactly A Friend You have no idea at all who this guy is, but you got dyahe and accepted his friend request because you apparently have 152 mutual friends. He comments on your updates, "likes" your photos, and even does a bit of Wall-flirting, but you still can't seem to figure out how he fits into your life. Someday, you will finally muster the courage to delete him from your friends list.