1. ATTACKER THROWS REPLICA OF MILAN DUOMO AT FACE OF SILVIO BERLUSCONI; ITALIAN PRIME MINISTER SUFFERS BROKEN NOSE AND TEETH. Gloria should be thankful the Manila Cathedral doesn't have as many pointy edges.
2. TIGER WOODS NAMED "ATHLETE OF THE DECADE" BY ASSOCIATED PRESS; WIFE ELIN NORDEGREN SEEKS DIVORCE. Life does not give with both hands–usually the other hand slaps you in the face.
3. WOMAN JUDGE TO TRY CASES VS. AMPATUANS. Because if you really want to screw a man, you have to get a woman.
4. MAYON VOLCANO RUMBLES, THOUSANDS EVACUATE. A word to Gloria: If even the forces of nature are grumbling under your administration, it's time to go.
5. ABBA ENTERS ROCK & ROLL HALL OF FAME. Nothing says "rock & roll" like a few dancing queens.
6. MANNY PACQUIAO TURNS 31. Another year of proud achievement, another year of seeking a Congressional seat, another year of narrowly avoiding being Tiger Woods.
7. RICHARD GUTIERREZ CALLS DOJ REVERSAL OF ITS OWN DECISION ON LIBEL RAPS VS. PEP.PH AN "EARLY CHRISTMAS GIFT." If this is what counts as Christmas gifts in the Gutierrez household, I'd hate to see their noche buena spread.
8. JOHN LLOYD CRUZ REPORTEDLY TURNED AWAY BY JAPANESE IMMIGRATION AT NARITA AIRPORT. Evidently the Japanese do not have A Very Special Love for Lloydy.
9. TEASER HEADLINE FOR RICKY LO'S FUNFARE COLUMN, DECEMBER 18, 2009: "DOES VIC SOTTO SLEEP IN THE NUDE?" Dude, that is so wrong.
10. WOMAN KILLS BOYFRIEND DURING CHRISTMAS PARTY IN FIT OF JEALOUSY. Out of jealousy? Or perhaps another case of getting fruitcake one time too many?