Church criticizes "Avatar" for substituting nature worship for God worship + other lowlights

Andrew Paredes' juicy commentary on the hit headlines.

1. HAITI SUFFERS MAGNITUDE 7.0 EARTHQUAKE; TELEVANGELIST PAT ROBERTSON DECLARES IT IS A RESULT OF COUNTRY'S PACT WITH THE DEVIL. Hmm. I didn't know you could get souls wholesale. 2. ERAP RETURNS TO MALACAÑANG FOR SECURITY COMMITTEE MEETING; KRIS AQUINO PAYS A VISIT TO HOME OF JAMES YAP'S RUMORED GIRLFRIEND. It's almost like a Carlo Caparas movie–Malacañang The Return: God Help Us! 3. CHURCH CRITICIZES AVATAR FOR SUBSTITUTING NATURE WORSHIP FOR GOD WORSHIP. The Church was right to nip this in the bud. After all, they did nothing about Lord of the Rings and now the military is still apprehending midgets trying to throw evil rings into Mayon Volcano. 4. ANG LADLAD TO BE INCLUDED IN PARTY-LIST BALLOT AS PER SUPREME COURT RULING. Is it the Supreme Court being fair and unbiased? Or is it really the power of congressmen who are afraid of being outed? 5. COMELEC EXEMPTS MILITIAS FROM GUN BAN. Because everybody knows it's licensed gun owners that commit those heinous massacres.
6. WOMEN'S GROUP PROPOSES TEN-YEAR MARRIAGE CONTRACT. Wow. This means the Energizer Bunny could outlast many marriages. 7. SARAH PALIN TO WORK AS COMMENTATOR FOR FOX NEWS. Considering that, according to the McCain campaign, Palin didn't even know that Africa was a continent, I'd say this is a casting coup for Fox News. 8. SIMON COWELL ANNOUNCES EXIT FROM AMERICAN IDOL. I think it's safe to say that this show is about to go the way of William Hung. 9. LATE-NIGHT WAR HEATS UP AS CONAN O' BRIEN REJECTS NBC PLAN TO MOVE TONIGHT SHOW TO LATER TIMESLOT TO MAKE ROOM FOR JAY LENO. NBC was lucky to get a simple resignation–Conan could have gone Barbarian. 10. NORTHERN IRELAND FIRST MINISTER PETER ROBINSON TO GO ON SIX-WEEK LEAVE AFTER 60-YEAR-OLD WIFE ADMITS TO SECURING LOANS FOR THE BUSINESS OF 19-YEAR-OLD LOVER. Thank God for you, Mrs. Robinson!
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