Authorities can't determine actual brownout schedules + more lowlights
Andrew Paredes' juicy commentary on the hottest hit headlines.
1. 8.8-MAGNITUDE EARTHQUAKE STRIKES CHILE, TSUNAMI WARNINGS RAISED FOR ALL COUNTRIES AND TERRITORIES IN PACIFIC BASIN. Now I know what being a rubber duckie in a churning bathtub feels like.
2. FORMER AMERICAN IDOL CONTESTANT ELLIOTT YAMIN CAUGHT UP IN CHILE QUAKE. Elliott should be used to being in disaster zones–he's performed in Manila, right?
3. METRO MANILA PLAGUED BY ROTATING BROWNOUTS; AUTHORITIES CANNOT DETERMINE ACTUAL BROWNOUT SCHEDULES. That's because blackouts are also possible in the brain.
4. MAGNITUDE 6.1 EARTHQUAKE HITS CAGAYAN DURING GMA SPEECH. Maybe she said something earth-shaking–like withdrawing from the congressional race in Pampanga or apologizing for Mikey.
5. KBL'S VETELLANO ACOSTA DISQUALIFIED FROM RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. Why can't candidates running under the banner of an ex-dictator ever catch a break?
6. CBCP WANTS WARNINGS PLACED ON CONDOM PACKAGING, PUSHES FOR BAN ON CONDOM ADS. The proposed design says "WARNING: Condoms do not protect you." May we suggest they add: "Especially if you don't take them out of your wallet."
7. DRUNKARD DISRUPTS ERAP RALLY IN NEGROS ORIENTAL. What's the big deal? Isn't he Erap's core audience anyway?
8. SUPERMODEL NAOMI CAMPBELL ALLEGEDLY HITS LIMO DRIVER; NEW YORK POLICE LAUNCHES MANHUNT. Police dispatcher: "Be on the look-out for perp sashaying in six-inch Louboutins."
9. ISRAELI SOLDIER POSTS DETAILS OF TOP-SECRET RAID ON FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE. Status update from commander: "Kicking soldier's butt right now."
10. THOUSANDS OF AUSTRALIANS POSE NAKED IN FRONT OF SYDNEY OPERA HOUSE. I think all news items should have more butt shots in them, don't you think?
Artwork (main image) by Warren Espejo.