1. FIRST GENTLEMAN MIKE ARROYO RUSHED TO HOSPITAL DUE TO HEART TROUBLE, PRESIDENT GLORIA VOWS TO BE AT HIS BEDSIDE WHILE SON MIKEY IS BUSY WITH PARTY-LIST CONCERNS. It breaks your heart when your son, whom you've given the best things that money can buy, reveals that all he's ever wanted to be was a security guard. (And you're not even sure that he's going to be a great security guard.)
2. CEBU INMATES PIT DANCE MOVES WITH MANILA INMATES. Sorry to be a spoilsport here…but these men are in prison for committing crimes. Do you think their victims are overjoyed to see that they've learned really cool dance moves? Oh, great! That guy who threatened to stab you if you didn't hand over your cellphone? He's the best dancer in his cellblock!
3. POLYTECHNIC UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES STUDENTS PROTEST PROPOSED TUITION FEE HIKE BY SETTING FIRE TO CHAIRS. Now we know where arsonists study their craft.
4. COMMISSION ON ELECTIONS SAYS THINGS WILL STILL BE OK EVEN IF POLL MACHINES DON'T DELIVER. According to the Comelec, the possible failure of the celebrated Precinct Count Optical Scan (PCOS) machines would not equal the failure of polls. Yes, because it would just equal the failure of the Comelec. We would all have been happier if they had just bought massage chairs.
5. GRETCHEN BARRETTO AND DEREK RAMSAY SET TO STAR IN A STEAMY SOAP OPERA. I liked Gretchen Barretto best when she starred in Seiko Films productions like Ang Lihim ng Golden Buddha, Johnny Tiñoso and the Proud Beauty, Tukso Layuan Mo Ako, and Alyas Dodong Gwapo: Huling Kilabot ng Cebu. Perhaps, Derek Ramsay should check out these films and take pointers from Jestoni Alarcon, who was Gretchen's perennial partner back then.
6. METAL CLIP THIEVES CAUSE TRAIN WRECK. I feel for the people who stole the metal clips. They must have done it because they needed to feed their 12 or so children. These people can't help it if they breed like bunnies. At least, when they die their souls would be automatically welcomed in heaven since they followed the Church's anti-contraceptive directive. God condemns people who use condoms–but He's got a soft spot for thieves.
7. POLITICAL DYNASTIES CONTINUE TO MAKE POLITICS THEIR FAMILY BUSINESS. The Kapalmukha Force is strong in these creatures. But how can we hate them? Some of them probably just resort to graft and corruption so they could feed their 30 or so children (by different women, of course).
8. GOVERNMENT'S LOW-COST HOUSING FALLING APART–BUT SOME RESIDENTS REFUSE TO LEAVE. Moral of the story: Never trust anything that's made by the Philippine government. That would be like putting your faith in dubious diet pills from China. Still, it's better to be dead than homeless, right?
9. UP LOS BAÑOS STUDENT ACTIVISTS THROW PAINT AT CHANCELLOR. I'm disappointed. UP student activists have always been known for their original protest moves–such as the Oblation Run. This paint technique is so generic. If they had just disrobed in front of the chancellor, then everyone would have been sympathetic to their cause. The flesh is mightier than the paint.
10. BUSTED: FAKE DIPLOMA STALLS IN MANILA. There goes my Harvard University diploma.