1. AS PNOY GOES AFTER SO-CALLED "MIDNIGHT APPOINTEES," GMA GOES ON DEADMA MODE, LETS HER STAFF DO THE TALKING. Love of country means never having to say "I’m sorry" twice.
2. FAKE BALUT VENDOR NABBED FOR POSSESSING P10 MILLION WORTH OF COCAINE. Must-try for junkie gourmets: Cocaine-encrusted Adobong Balut at P3,000++ per serving!
3. SENATOR TITO SOTTO ALARMED BY THE PLUMMETING PRICE OF COCAINE. Relax, Tito Sen...and just raise the price of balut. (See previous entry for explanation.)
4. PHILIPPINE AIRLINES IN A BIND AS 25 PILOTS RESIGN, NO REPLACEMENTS AS OF THIS WRITING. Maybe if you start serving better in-flight snacks, they’ll come back.
5. LEONARDO DICAPRIO ENJOYS BOX OFFICE SUCCESS OF INCEPTION AS WOMAN WHO SLASHED HIS FACE WITH A GLASS IN 2005 IS ARRESTED. As the amorous Looney Tunes skunk Pepe Le Pew said, "It is possible to be too attractive."
6. MMDA EMPLOYEE CAUGHT HAVING SEX WITH WOMAN IN A PARKED BUS SAYS HE WAS GOING TO PAY P30 FOR THE ENCOUNTER. (HIS INSTANT INAMORATA WANTED P50). Is that with or without VAT?
7. P-NOY SHOWS OFF FIRST PAYCHECK WITH NET PAY OF P63,002.17. Burger! Burger! Burger! (But, seriously, it’s sad that our president feels compelled to show us his paycheck. It’s not as if he’s doing anything wrong.)
8. LOVI POE REITERATES SHE AND RONALD SINGSON ARE NOT TOGETHER DESPITE THEIR BEING SPOTTED TOGETHER OFTEN IN THE PAST. Is the late Action King’s daughter the reigning Denial Queen?
9. BEAUTIFUL WOMEN REPORTEDLY USED AS "BAIT" FOR CARNAPPING GANG. Good for you, girls--nine-to-five jobs are booooooooring as hell.
10. CORRUPT TRAFFIC ENFORCERS CAUGHT IN THE ACT BY CCTV CAMERA. Why does this feel like a rerun?