Bong Revilla files anti-usisero bill, Venus Raj flooded with answers + more lowlights

1. IN THE WAKE OF THE QUIRINO GRANDSTAND HOSTAGE CRISIS, SENATOR BONG REVILLA FILES A BILL AGAINST USISEROS. Nice thought...but looks like our neckless friend’s grandstanding tendencies are acting up again.

2. PRESIDENT NOYNOY AQUINO GETS EMOTIONAL OVER HOSTAGE CRISIS FLAK. Bite down and take it like a man, buddy.

3. TWO PINOY PHOTOGRAPHERS THANKFUL THEY WERE SPARED BY HOSTAGE-TAKER ROLANDO MENDOZA. Out of respect for the dead, please try to contain your joy.

4. HOSTAGED BUS DRIVER SAYS HE USED NAIL FILE TO FREE HIMSELF FROM HANDCUFFS. Congratulations, you are now the SWAT team’s new leader.

5. LOVI POE FLIES TO HONG KONG TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR CONGRESSMAN RONALD SINGSON. All together now: "Tale as old as time. Song as old as rhyme. Beauty and the beast..."

6. HIP HOP STAR TIMBALAND’S MOM-IN-LAW CALLS 911 FEARING HE MAY COMMIT SUICIDE, REPORTS ALLEGE HE WAS UPSET OVER STOLEN $2,000,000 WATCH. We want to have enough cash to buy a $2,000,000 watch so we can be upset when someone steals it, too.

7. MISS UNIVERSE 4TH RUNNER-UP VENUS RAJ IS FLOODED WITH ANSWERS SHE COULD HAVE USED FOR THE PAGEANT Q&A. It’s amazing how so many people turn into witty geniuses when they’re just sitting at home in front of the TV.

8. SURVIVOR PHILIPPINES’ CELEBRITY SHOWDOWN EDITION GO ALL-OUT ON PROMOTIONS. Just like in other reality shows, the word "celebrity" is used very loosely here.

9. CRANE FALLS ON ELECTRIC POSTS, CABLES GET MESSED UP, POWER OUTAGE ENSUES. As Phil Collins sang, "It’s just another day for you and me in paradise."

10. STUDIES HIGHLIGHT THE HEALTH HAZARDS OF WORKING ON GRAVEYARD SHIFT. Where are the studies highlighting the health hazards of unemployment?

Art by Warren Espejo.