Winners & Losers of the Week: Lolong, Claudine Barretto + others

We list who ruled and who got owned.

 


(SPOT.ph)
We list the personalities who experienced highs and lows this week. Admittedly, not all the winners may be ecstatic and not all the losers may be devastated. Life is complicated, folks. Remember: Don’t take everything literally and make sure to read between the lines...if you can find them. It’s up to you to guess when we mean what we say or when we’re putting on the snark. It keeps things interesting.

 

 

WINNER: Pinay, for stowing away on a freight container and ending up in Los Angeles. (This former stray cat is staying in the U.S. for good...unless someone brings her back to Manila.)

 

 

WINNER: Fifty Shades of Grey, for encouraging people all over the world to try bondage. (Our tip: They should publish a special edition with an afterword telling people what to do when they can’t get out of their handcuffs.)

 

 

WINNERS: Reps. Gloria and Dato Arroyo, for filing a bill that criminalizes necrophilia. (Mom and son go after folks who love doing the nasty with dead bodies. Awkward.) [Screenshot of photo posted on GMA News Online]

 

 

WINNER: Sharon Cuneta, for declaring that her "maldita phase" on Twitter is over. (We hope this doesn’t mean that her "maldita phase" on Instagram is about to begin.)

 

 

WINNER: Lolong, for his stuffed dead body becoming a tourist attraction in Agusan del Sur. (In this case, he may be the only crocodile who’ll give back money to the people. )

LOSER: Manny Pacquaio, for making everyone think that he’s considering running for president in 2016. (Please stop scaring us like that!)

 

 

LOSER: Ian Somerhalder, for not getting cast as Christian Grey in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. (Well, Penshoppe thinks you’re hot...and so do at least five million other people.)

 

 

LOSER: Mali, for getting stuck in zoos-from Manila to Subic. (If only you were as small as a cat, we’d sneak you into a freight container and you’ll be in that elephant sanctuary in Thailand in no time.)

 

 

LOSERS: Janet Lim Napoles, for being accused of pork-related offenses. (Then again, she can afford to buy a Porsche or two to make herself feel better.)

 

 

LOSER: Claudine Barretto, for getting in yet another fix...this time against her very own husband Raymart Santiago. (Mark Anthony Fernandez, you got lucky, dude!)

 

Art by Warren Espejo, with photos from PEP.ph and screenshots from TMZ.com, various TV show videos, news clips, and images used by fans in YouTube slideshows.

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