(SPOT.ph) In showbiz, when someone says, "We’re just friends," nobody believes it. Everyone thinks it’s just a coy way of saying, "Yes, we’re exclusively dating" or "We’ve moved in together and already have a secret love child." Aside from the default "friends" statement, there are so many more vague quips associated with the people of the entertainment industry. We hear a similar tune from the realm of politics, which is pretty much the same banana as showbiz.
We list 10 often-heard, standard issue statements and offer these close approximations of what they really mean.
Sometimes, they say it best when they say nothing at all. Unfortunately, they always say a lot even when they don’t have much to say. (Disclaimer: This year’s SONA was fine enough, but we prefer Ramon Bautista’s seconds-only version. Read on. It’s down there somewhere.)
The denial
What they say: "I categorically deny any involvement in the issue."
What it could mean: "Pakshet, I hope you don’t find out that these people you’re accusing of being involved in the scam are my friends!"
Private life
What they say: "We do not issue official statements on the mayor’s love life."
What it could mean: "Hayan na ang headlines n’yo for the next six weeks so you’ll leave us alone to implement all the illogical ordinances we want."
Investigative ventures
What they say: "We must refrain from making accusatory statements because the investigation is still ongoing."
What it could mean: "Wait lang, ha? We’re giving the people involved, who are our allies, a chance to redeem themselves before we tell everyone a partial version of what happened."
National condition
What they say: All the SONAs
What it could mean: "Guys, relax. OK ang bansa natin. Palakpakan naman d’yan." (This statement was tweeted by comedian Ramon Bautista.)
Group work
What they say: "We shall be forming a study group/technical working group to look more closely into the matter."
What it could mean: "Ano ba talaga kasi yang punyetang matter na yan?!"
Negotiation blues
What they say: "We’re hoping that the negotiations will yield favorable results."
What it could mean: "Malabo pa rin pero negotiate lang nang negotiate para ’di sabihing walang ginagawa."
Change agent
What they say: "The new administration shall be instituting significant reforms."
What it could mean: "We’re gonna totally undo everything the past administration has done because we hate them. They can’t sit with us because we’re destroying their chairs!"
Happy ending
What they say: "At the end of the day, we will still be dealing with these issues in our best capacity."
What it could mean: "Mga alipin, tumahimik na kayo at tapusin na ang pesteng press conference na ito! Alam naman natin na kahit anong sabihin o gawin n’yo ako pa rin masusunod dito."
Incident report
What they say: "We assure the public that we have the situation under control."
What it could mean: "Sa totoo lang, we don’t."
Fight club
What they say: "We just have a difference in opinion on some issues."
What it could mean: "We hate each other’s guts."
And an extra cliché from the public political hearings:
Discreet Confession
What they say: "I invoke my right against self-incrimination."
What it could mean: "Guys, obvious ba? Hindi ko aaminin pero ako nga ang nagnakaw at nagwaldas ng pera n’yo."