The SPOT.ph Guide to Beating a Hangover
Some friendly reminders so you can avoid the sickfest and embarrassment this time around
(SPOT.ph) This is how a hangover feels: like the end of the world just opened up inside of your skull.
Which is not to say that you're in Rapture. Quite the opposite. Clearly, a night of Johnny Walker Red and gin bulag is not the recipe for a rapturous morning.
As you lie farting in your bed, your head simultaneously feeling like it's being welded together and split apart, you reach out to grab your phone and check the time. Great. Not only do you have a headache worthy of a Hangover sequel, you're also massively late for work.
Here's how to deal.
Text your boss right away, and tell him that you have a "family emergency."
Summon the last reserves of your energy to make your message sound as chipper as possible, like someone who had actually woken up today with his supply of neurons intact. Review three times before pressing send. Do not trust autocorrect. And make sure you're texting your boss, and not the ex you were trying to drunk-dial last night.
Pee. A lot.
And just when you thought your kidneys couldn't possibly eject more pale ale, here comes the morning-after bathroom trip to prove you wrong. Acting on both your kidneys and your brain hormones, alcohol's left your spigot loose. Drain. Sustain. Don't forget to flush. To the males: being drunk does not excuse poor arinola aim.
Then drink. A lot.
With everything you've pissed away from the time you had your first shot, you've lost a lot of water. (Let's not count the pile of green fluid you also puked out on your friend's couch.) In fact, the lack of water is what caused your splitting headache in the first place. Recharge with a few glasses. Sip slowly, or be prepared to do Step 2 again.
You technically count as sick, so it's time to break out the comfort food. Hot soup combines nourishment, good vibes, and extra electrolytes and fluid to beat back your hangover. No time to cook chicken soup? Whip up a batch of instant ramen, add last night's leftover chicken and some vegetables, then crack an egg over it.
Shower. Soap. Reflect on your life.
Think of the guys or girls (or both) you tried to hit on last night. Draw up a list of people to call to fill in all the gaps in your memory. Briefly wonder if your crush will acknowledge your drunken, wasted, gassy, foul-smelling declaration of love. Use conditioner.
Try to remember the name of the person you woke up in bed with.
Still sleeping. There's time.
Pop some meds.
If at this stage of the morning your head still feels like it's being broken into by the martilyo gang, then it's time to bring out the big guns. Pop non-steroidal anti-inflammatories like Advil (generic name: Ibuprofen)―they're friendlier to your already-taxed liver.
Hit the gym.
If you're feeling a bit recovered, bolster your mood with―yes―exercise. The endorphins will make you feel slightly less crappy, and you'll torch (some) of the beer-flavored calories ingested last night. Feel too woozy for a full circuit? Lace up your running shoes and go for an easy, one-hour jog. Hold the fitness selfies; remember, your boss thinks you're at a family emergency.
Nap, nap, and nap again.
Draw the curtains. Shut off the lights and set your fan to number 3. You deserve this.
And before you drift off to sleep, internalize these three useful resolutions the next time you go have a drink:
- Have a full dinner before you imbibe. The food will help cushion alcohol's absorption into the bloodstream, and you'll feel the effects less.
- Alternate your drinks with chasers of water. Dehydration is usually the numero uno cause of terrible hangovers. With this trick, you'll wake up the next morning feeling almost like yourself.
- When drunk, don't do stupid things. Like trying to grope an officemate, or driving home liquored up to your eyeballs, or drinking ’one more for the road’ when you know you've reached your limit.