10 Saves for Awkward Social Situations
A solution to the hug-handshake situation and the chubby-not-pregnant predicament
(SPOT.ph) The truth is, no situation is truly awkward if you just can laugh at the things that are supposed to be shameful. Life happens and sometimes it is just ridiculous. Proof: Platypus.
We've all done embarrassing things and we should all take comfort in the fact that we will continue to do cringeworthy things for as long as we live. The only difference is, with luck, we handle it better as we grow older.
You're in a car with your date and you can feel a fart coming on
You can't quite turn off the aircon and roll the windows down, because you're along EDSA and the glass is protecting you from smog, theft, and LOUD BEEPING. Just say you want to freshen up and casually spray cologne or even just apply some rubbing alcohol on your hands. It'll hopefully mask the smell and just cough or sneeze to muffle the sound.
Complaining about someone and they're standing right behind you
Alternatively: You send a whiny message meant for your boyfriend about your boss...to your boss!
Well, cat's out of the bag. You're a grown-up now and these things aren't supposed to happen. Be upfront about it: Have the courage to articulate your concerns before they build up and explode. But now that the hypothetical explosion has exploded, do the next best thing. Excuse yourself, go to the bathroom, and flush yourself out of the building. You can also choose to apologize and then explain your grievances. One of those is a good idea.
The hug-handshake situation
You're going for a hug and fingers poke your belly because the other person went for a handshake. What happens now? Do the "Macarena." Trust us, whatever awkwardness you feel, the other person will feel double the minute you start committing to the steps. Do the same when you try to go for a high five and the other person leaves you hanging.
Someone says hi to you and you have no idea who they are
They call out to you, first name and everything! Here's the deal: The longer you don't admit that you don't remember them, the worse it'll get. Other people say you can take a photo, upload it on Facebook and pray that Facebook suggests a name for the face (finally, a tag function that is useful!)...or you can say the following words, in exact order, "Oh, hi! Sorry, where do I know you from again? My memory is failing me right now."
You're on a date and you say something that you only know because you asked a common friend (or stalked them online)
Whoops! What to do now? The fair thing to do is ask for a glass of water and then pour it over your head. After that, you can admit that you did your pre-date research or looked them up on Facebook (maybe even Googled them), because you were looking for possible conversation starters to avoid those first date crickets. (You can skip the water-over-your-head part.)
You hug your friend from behind to say hi...only to find out that it's a total stranger
If the stranger is freaking out, throw a smoke bomb on the ground and disappear in the thick fog. If the stranger is cute...do the same, because you'll still look like a creep. Once more, all you really need to do is admit that you made a mistake and maybe tell them, "You guys both totally look like Enrique Gil, especially from behind! Sorry!"
You mistake someone's weight (gain) for pregnancy
You were just trying to be nice and offer a seat! You genuinely just wanted to congratulate your friend! But here we are now, trapped in the amber of time, in that moment when you think someone is having a baby, but it's just a food baby (we've all had those). What to do, what to do? This needs some James Bond level swag mixed with humility. A little self-deprecating humor is in order. Say something like, "Crap. I'm so sorry. I thought it was 'National Say Highly Inappropriate Things Day' today. That was horrible, I am so sorry." They might laugh, they might still be sore about it—just admit you're mortified, too.
Your friend enthusiastically tells you that this cute guy flirted with her...and you're also seeing that cute guy
Do you tell her? Do you ask him first? What is the protocol? Should you be mad? What does your face look like now? How long have you been staring at her? Wait, what do you say? Quick, say something...no, don't say, "Potato." We say: Tell her, now. It'll save you the awkward moment of having to retract whatever it is you said while pretending that you have no idea who that cute guy is.
You ask a friend what time she's going to a party...that she didn't know was happening
Keep calm. Keep super chill. Look confused and check your phone. Look even more confused. Tell friend that there's no party and act like you're such a doofus for mistaking the dream you had for real life. Now make a call to your friend throwing the party, tell them you accidentally told the uninvited friend and make it a collective secret guaranteed by mutually assured destruction.
You wake up after a night of drinking with your phone near your hand. Surprise! You called your ex.
This is really more awful than awkward...and you know, what you really need to do is congratulate yourself for having excellent memory. Because you deleted her number and you still managed to call her. Not even copious amounts of alcohol can damage your brain cells. That is clearly miracle. Focus on the wins in life. That's the secret to happiness.
Art by Warren Espejo