The 10 People You Meet at a Buffet

The folks that make up the exciting food jungle


( An all-you-can-eat scenario brings out all manner of people. We’re not bashing these denizens of the dining arena (except for one or two). We also happen to fall under several categories depending on our mood, so please keep your onion skin to yourself. This is more of a list that will help you spot and appreciate the curious creatures that occupy the lavish and lovely jungle we all know as The Buffet.


The Bulldozer

Very rarely seen, but they do exist. These legends of the lunch wagon don’t need to sit down, ever. They just grab a plate, fill it up and eat on the go. They’ll only stop at their table to take a sip of soda or check on their offspring. Like an inexplicable force of nature they just simply glide along the queues and go from station to station as they frolic and feed. We’ve only just seen one of this particular kind...and it was magnificent!




The Lumberjack

The Lumberjack is an extreme eater. What sets them apart is their gathering skill. They have the uncanny ability to pile up massive amounts of food on their plate. And it’s so neatly and efficiently done, like a pyramid or a stack of logs. For them, their mound of beef stroganoff, lechon skin, and potato salad is a testimony to the gods. Rumor has it that The Lumberjacks would train themselves at the salad bar buffet at Wendy’s.


The Chatterbox

The Chatterbox Alpha politely asks servers questions and starts up a curious conversation about the food. They’re so polite when they chat with the waiters that those who stay within earshot get some useful dining info, too. The Chatterbox Omega is the one who talks loud, laughs loud, and...they also seem to walk loud. These are the guys who scream across the dining hall to their friends asking how the salmon is or if dessert is spelled "desert." There’s a mutation of the Chatterbox Omega called The-Know-It-All. They feel like they’re Masterchefs and say they know all about the dishes, they’ve tasted better in France, blah-blah-blah. Steer clear of these jerks.

Recommended Videos




The Ferdinand Magellan

More an explorer than a diner. The Ferdinand Magellan will hover behind other customers. Just floating around each food station. Taking a good look at each table, each dish, every tiny bowl or plate or condiment. They will stare at it, rub their chin, maybe nod or blink their eyes a couple of times. Then move on to the next station. They are a mysterious lot. Usually loners or people who’ve just decided to wander into the buffet area. What’s nice about them is they never just grab anything. To a certain extent they are picky eaters. They know what they want and, like an eagle, will swoop in to get it when they’re good and ready. Some may be undercover food critics, perhaps?


The Wastelander

These are the people who will just have a plate of food and that’s it. Just an average amount of food. No return to the buffet table, no trying out the other stations. A couple of possible explanations: One, these are guys who’ve been invited by friends to join them at a buffet. So they don’t have to pay, and went along and ate normal a la carte style. Two, these are rich people who don’t mind paying a big sum to eat something they could have bought cheaper at a normal restaurant. Three, they’re weirdos.



The Sweet Tooth

We all know a Sweet Tooth, admit it. You might actually even be one. They just want dessert. Cakes, ice cream, donuts, candy. They might eat a tiny amount of the main dishes, but only because the sauce or marinade tastes sweet. Sometimes we worry about them. That they may get tooth decay or suddenly throw up. But they look so damn happy stuffing themselves with pink cotton candy and velvet cupcakes. 


The Patient Zero

Now this particular one, is the one that we’re not particularly fond of. Patient Zero is the diner who keeps sneezing and coughing and rubbing their noses right where the exposed food is. Maybe they don’t have a handkerchief? But it never seems to stop these wheezing wanderers from stumbling into an open food area and just contaminating everything. Sometimes we wonder if some food gets coughed back up, is that considered a leftover?




The Humongous

Now this title isn’t talking specifically about the frame of The Humongous. It’s more of the appetite. These are the heavy eaters and boy can they put it away. These monster munchers are on top of the food chainwell, they’re on top of the buffet table essentially. It’s amazing how many rounds these diners can go. If you see one or two and they look fit as hell, these types of Humongous are what we like to call “Fitness Eaters.” Crossfit addicts, triathletes, and models. They all eat a ton but still look great after dessert. Sorcery! Or just a good fitness routine. But yeah, still sorcery!


The Champagne Supernova

The Champagne Supernova is the person who casually goes to a buffet, eats a bit, but primarily targets the free-flowing alcoholic beverages. It is a fountain of delight for this individual who dives into the champagne dispenser like it’s the end of the world. They giggle and snort out their laughter and prance about. Because they’re drunk as hell. Cheers!




The Photographer

Be it a DSLR or a phone cam, The Photographer is always present in any buffet or restaurant. It’s amazing that they don’t bring a tripod or some lights. Oh wait, no, we have seen some kids with that kind of equipment taking photos of a lasagna. Well, The Photographer is actually not so bad, even if they do soar around their table like a bunch of buzzards clicking away. They are definitely more welcome than the #FOTD Photographer who poses with their dish. Sometimes at the entrance of the restaurant. #Sigh.

Tell us your #feels!

Total votes
View more stories tagged

Help us make better!
Take the short survey

Read more stories about

Latest Stories

Load More Stories