10 Stages of Stress When Using a Public Restroom
We've all been there.
(SPOT.ph) When nature calls, sometimes it does so at the most inconvenient times. On some occasions, the situation is relatively bearable—you have had, say, the luck of just being at home after eating a meal that disagreed with you. Sometimes, however, things just don't go your way and you have to pop a visit to...a public restroom.
And during these instances when the universe deals you a crappy hand (pun very much intended), making a deposit at the throne isn't the easy activity it's supposed to be, but a manifestation of being subjected to a taste of hell.
Welcome to the 10 stages of stress when using public restrooms.
Stage 1: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
Much like a cabin in the dark woods in a horror movie, there are just some public toilets that seem to say, "Come in… if you dare." The saying "Don't judge a book by its cover" just doesn't apply to some of these places, but when you really have to go, you just don't have a choice.
Stage 2: Ocular visit
You take a look at your surroundings—if the poor lighting allows—and take in the smell of unflushed urine (because you’re definitely not in a paid bathroom in a posh mall). Even with much trepidation, you forge on and open the nearest vacant stall.
Stage 3: Come hell or high water
A puddle of water surrounding the toilet bowl greets you before you take your seat.These puddles make you think the reason why a toilet bowl is called a throne is because there's a freaking moat surrounding it.
Stage 4: Signs of life
But why are we only talking about the contents surrounding the bowl when its actual contents are part of the fun? The wet toilet seat, the unknown bits clingier than any friend you'll ever have, not to mention other unmentionable body fluids—your public toilet experience won't be complete without them.
Stage 5: Better lock next time
You proceed to lock the stall’s door. Sadly, there's no lock to speak of. Rather than risk the possibility of someone opening the door while you're in the middle of your business, though, you keep a watchful eye. Count yourself lucky, though. Sometimes there aren't doors to speak of at all.
Stage 6: Cirque du Soleil
And while you've made it past the initial stages, you've yet to answer the call of nature, so you proceed to occupy the throne. There are numerous positions, including squatting, resting your butt on a mountain of tissues carefully placed on the seat, or sitting without any buffers (high five, adventurous spirit!). It's like the Kama Sutra, except no one is having any fun here at all.
Stage 7: Sa bukid walang papel…
You're done with the deed. You're pleased with yourself when you look to the toilet roll holder. Just like our politicians' promises, there's nothing there! Highly prepared people might have their own tissues or wet wipes with them, along with sanitizers or alcohol, but what if you have nothing during that time? You think long and hard, and decide you can always buy a new pair of socks...
Stage 8: Busted flush
But even if you're done with wiping, there's still your business to take care of. Keep your fingers crossed that the flush will work. Otherwise, just keep in mind one of the quotes your friends share on social media: Walking away doesn't mean you gave up. Sometimes, though, even if the flush does work, your business won't go down without a fight. You think it's already over, but it surges yet again from the depths—this time with reinforcements.
Stage 9: Last push
You walk out of the stall determined to finish this whole ordeal with as much dignity as possible, and walk to the nearest faucet to wash your hands. You shouldn't be surprised by now that they don’t work. You wonder why there's so much water on the floor but none in the faucets. How do you clean your hands? Oh, well, there's always that other sock...
Stage 10: The End (?)
So now it's done. You have survived your journey into a public toilet. And though you have been scarred, these injuries are testaments to your fortitude or desperation. Now that you have gone through this episode, you will make sure it'll never happen again...or will it?
Art by War Espejo