10 Essential Steps to Boycotting Philippine Media
Because we're all bias.
(SPOT.ph) As every true Filipino knows, media is dirty, one-sided, untrustworthy, irresponsible, corrupt, and sensationalistic. In a word, media is BIAS.
People joke that media is so underpaid that they would write things for money—but it’s the truth! Can you really trust people who do things for money?
That brings us back to bias. It’s not just the headlines. Body text? Falsehoods. Caption? Logical fallacy. Facebook page? Lies lies lies lies.
There’s only one solution to the cancer that is called Philippine media: BOYCOTT. A mind without media is a mind that is truly, absolutely, certainly free. (As free, in fact, as free data!) But remember, as every bayani knows, freedom is not given. It must be earned.
Here are the steps you must take for true liberation.
First, develop the right mindset.
Everything begins in the mind. Unlike everyone else’s, yours is unbrainwashed—and in its very unwashedness is glory, like briefs worn side C! Keep the cleanliness away by cultivating a smug, condescending attitude toward opinions that don’t agree with your own. You know what they call those kind of people? Stupid people.
Remember: You (and the political person you support) can do no wrong.
Nuance is for ninnies!
Start using capital letters more.
You shouldn’t just think big, you should also type big. A truly unBIAS mind thinks only in ALL CAPS, for only a solid, impenetrable wall of uppercase letters will silence the rat-like voices of the bayaran na media.
Consume the news right: Read only the headlines.
Why waste 10 minutes of your time reading things that can’t fit into a two-line Facebook post!?! Reading the entire story is for [Name of Political Figure You Hate]tards, not for political pundits like you. Besides, sayang ang free data.
Don’t delay. Comment right away!
Your political expertise is the reason why Facebook was invented.
Put the ANAL in analyst.
Here’s a little cheat sheet of handy arguments for you:
“Quote is taken out of context!”
“Kasama talaga iyan sa kanyang political strategy.”
“Look at his or her track record!”
“Masyado nang halata ang pagka-anti-[name of your favorite personality here] niyo ¯_(?)_/¯”
“E ba’t niyo pinapansin ang [name of other pressing issue here]?”
“[Get name of news outlet, put the word BIAS somewhere in there. Sample: BIASpot.ph]”
Trust (and share) random things you see on Facebook.
Research pa more, pare ko. But don’t just research in unreliable places like “the library.” The rule is: Basta Facebook meme with at least one misspelled word, malamang totoo.
Follow the right news sources.
If a reporter working for a well-established outfit writes something you don’t agree with, and cares about things like correct grammar, chances are that he or she is BIAS. In fact, that entire publication is probably already hopelessly corrupt and you should stop giving clicks to that gang of sell-outs.
Follow, instead, sites no one’s ever heard of.
Compared to mainstream media, the brave souls who maintain these web domains follow flawless logic, execute cutting-edge research, and don’t write clickbait. Bonus: They’ll never deserve to be assassinated! Mga idol!
Become the news.
But why stop at boycott? Why not go the next level and set up your own website? The world should no longer be deprived of your political expertise. It’s time for you to become the ultimate hokage of authenticity. Be the bias you want to see in the world. Be the truth. BE THE MEDIA.