More Than Just Pleasure: How to Introduce Sex Toys for You (And Your Partner)

(SPOT.ph) Conversations about sexuality are often shrouded in silence in the Philippines, even more so when it comes to the topic of sex toys. From dildos to fleshlights to vibrators, there's a little something for everyone, but how can we get to this point of exploration when acceptance isn't even on the table yet?

The introduction of sex toys into one’s intimate life is more than a novelty—it’s actually an exercise in communication, with yourself and/or with your partner. SPOT.ph spoke to OB-GYN Cheska Malubay-Vinzon why it's worth introducing sex toys in the bedroom, regardless if you're single or taken.

"When it comes to females, the topic of arousal and orgasm has its own complexities that can really take time to discover and eventually verbalize," Malubay-Vinzon told SPOT.ph. 

"Sex is such a complex subject and activity as it is. The additional consideration of having a partner adds another layer which makes it even more complex."

Also read: 10 Sex Toys to Ease Your Way Into Adult Play

Say hello to sex toys

Some assume that sex toys are only for those who are single or are in long-distance relationships. On the contrary, self-experimentation can be instrumental in strengthening current (and future) relationships. Knowing what you like will make it so much easier for you to communicate to your partner what works best for you. 

"Sex toys allow girls to explore what it is that brings them pleasure, certain motions that they like, those that they would want to avoid. In knowing their preferences, they will be able to communicate them more effectively to their partners that would eventually benefit both parties later in their sexual activities," Malubay-Vinzon said. 

Like anything new, the journey starts with good research. It's best to know what you want out of a sex toy as different toys cater to a variety of taste, sensation, and pleasure spots.

"First is to do some research. There is a wide array of sex toys available in the market, such as vibrators, dildos, sleeves," Malubay-Vinzon said. More experimental products might not be available on our shores yet, but what we have now is still worth checking out. "It isn’t a surprise if your research takes you to shops abroad."

Trying out that first toy? Malubay-Vinzon suggests to try the slowest or least intense settings first, then work your way up once comfortable.

Be wary of overstimulation—which is a real thing, by the way. This is especially true for women who like to focus on clitoral stimulation.

"One of the most controversial components of the erogenous zone in the female anatomy is the clitoris. It is also quite a sensitive organ. We do have to take care not to be too aggressive in stimulating it especially when we use sex toys as it can cause bruising or actually cause appearance of small abrasions," Malubay-Vinzon said, noting that the clitoris is at a high risk of infection because of its "dark and damp" location.

Sex toys are no less important for men

Let's face it: The few times sex toys are brought up in safe spaces, the conversation is often geared towards women. Men may have a reputation for being open about sex, but how much of that chatter is based on open and healthy practices? Malubay-Vinzon said that the simplification of the male sexual experience could lead them to miss out on finer things in life, i.e. the incorporation of sex toys to enhance play time.

"The common mindset when it comes to sex and arousal is that men are easier to satisfy and is less complex than that of their female counterpart... Including them in these conversations and getting them acquainted with sex toys also opens them to discovering what other motions and sensations heighten their arousal,” Malubay-Vinzon said.

How to broach the topic of sex toys in a relationship

Introducing sex toys into a relationship—no matter how comfortable with each other—is rarely as straightforward especially among conservative Filipinos. Some may feel inadequate or emasculated at the slightest possibility of their partners owning a sex toy. SPOT.ph spoke to Kat Eusebio, the co-founder of online sex shop Milk & Jelly, to know how to best approach this topic in a relationship.

“It's a genuine concern that has roots in historical perceptions of toys as substitutes or even competition. However, it's crucial to shift this mindset and recognize that incorporating toys can introduce exciting sensations and experiences for both individuals in a relationship,” Eusebio said.

With that, Eusebio is recommending the following actions when bringing up sex toys in a committed relationship:

Choose the right moment

Timing matters. Avoid bringing up the topic during intimate moments as it could create pressure or anxiety. Choose a relaxed, open setting for this conversation.

Initiate the conversation with careful thought

If you're unsure how to start, you can mention an interesting idea you came across in an article (like this one), a video, or even something that was brought up during a hangout with friends.

Express curiosity, not apology

Approach the conversation from a perspective of exploration, emphasizing that it's about enhancing the shared experience of pleasure together.

Respect your partner's feelings and boundaries

If your partner isn't receptive initially, respect their feelings and concerns. Ask about their hesitations, then try to address them openly and understandingly without being too forceful about the topic. It's essential to reach a consensus or find a compromise that works for both of you.

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