The 10 Kinds of Drunks You Will Meet in Life

From the Sober Drunk to The Spill-ster Sister


( We’re pressed to disclaim that excess turns good things bad, so don’t go drowning your liver in the hopes of finding a crazy story to tell. That being said, most of us do have amusing anecdotes that involve a bottle of Jack (or just Empi, let’s not kid ourselves) and retching.


The easy comparison is Polyjuice Potion. Just like that chunky concoction, the liquor contained in amber glass bottles transform us into someone completely different. There’s that friend we have who turns into Princess Bubblegum in the presence of alcohol. Sometimes they don’t need to drink it; just a whiff of liquor makes them flush as though already tipsy. And then there’s everyone else.



The Sober Drunk

The sober drunks don't exhibit any symptoms that they're irreversibly shenglots. We're tempted to vote these guys as the least fun of all the drunks...but it is funny to watch them wake up the next day. They have a petrified expression as they replay the events of the previous evening, trying to clear the fuzz in their brain. If this is you, you know that your friends will try and sneak in a false memory. You’re never going to admit that you’re not 100% convinced you remember everything correctly.  


The Weepy Drunk

One moment she's downing vodka shots, the next she's leaking fat drops of water from her eyes uncontrollably. It's worrying at first, but she swears she's she must be? If this is you, you know better than to drink without a hanky or a pack of facial tissues...but if you're lucky, your closest friends keep a pack for you in their bag. Cheers to you and your tears of intoxication!



The Aubrey Posen

You can also call this friend The Regan McNeil, but let’s give her some dignity and reference Pitch Perfect instead of a movie about demonic possession. The Aubrey Posen will puke. Sometimes she makes it to the toilets. Sometimes she, for some reason, pulls the collar of her shirt and vomits on her torso. If this is you, you swear off alcohol every Saturday morning.



The Giggly Drunk

Hi. Hi. Hihihihihihihihihihi. To this guy, everything is funny. The world is a carnival and every sentence is a punch line. If this is you, you’re the easiest drunk to spot. You, sir, are loud.

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The Touchy Drunk

This friend doesn’t so much hug you as she clamps down on your entire being with her tentacles. You would think she’s flirting with you, but when you see her hugging the bottle of wine, you know that at this moment, she’s just feeling so much love that anything within a hundred-yard radius is a target to be assaulted with her affection. If this is you, you always have to sheepishly thank your friends for prying your hands from the lamp post that you were sure was your soulmate...and you are eternally grateful that they don’t post the more embarrassing photos of you wrapped around seven people at once. 



The Confident Drunk

Like Raj from The Big Bang Theory, this friend turns into a smooth-talking sex machine after a few sips of whiskey. He’s the master of social interactions and the alcohol acts as fuel for whatever part of the body generates wit. This is probably the reason why guys want to ask you out for drinks. They need to drink away the jitters they get from talking to a pretty girl. If this is you, you’ve learned to be cool with your friends posting your drunken dancing videos. (Smooth moves, dude!)



The Hulk

We snatch drinks away from this friend. You love them, dearly, but you also value your lives and there’s no reason why your barkada needs to be banned in two bars...because you’re definitely not going to drink at home again. Plates and glasses are more useful when they’re not shattered or cracked. If this is you, you related to Billy Crawford when he volunteered to be locked up in that Taguig Police Station. You also shared his shame when he ended up breaking the glass doors.


The Drunk Dialer

Pro tip: Put your phone in airplane mode after the third drink. Now that our handheld gadgets reach 50 million people with just one click, it’s best not to go down the path of posting a love letter on Facebook dedicated to your ex at 2:33 a.m. 



The Spill-ster Sister

There’s that friend we all have who insists that three drinks is the most she can have...because the fourth drink unlocks the vault in her mind and secrets slither out of her mouth. Alcohol does loosen inhibitions and we really shouldn’t be surprised if it unhinges tightly clenched jaws. Suddenly, this friend is confessing love and volunteering to flash you her goods. If this is you, you know that nursing one bottle of lights is not a sign of weakness—it is the mastery of restraint!


The Sleepy Drunk

Some people go wild. Some people lean against the wall and doze off. Good night, Manila! (If this is you, you’re familiar with “lola vibes” and whispers of “baduy naman ni ___” as your eyelids grow heavier and heavier.) 




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