Cuddling Without Commitment: WTF Is a Situationship Anyway?

(SPOT.ph) Lian spent 13 years believing the musician she was seeing on and off was her "tadhana", until repeated ghostings led her to block him on social media for good. She said goodbye to years of attending his gigs, all-nighters in his car, and phone-call serenades so she could finally move on from an unlabeled relationship.

Situationship—a Gen Z label for that scenario where it's less than a relationship but it's more than a booty call—defined what Lian, who wants to keep her full name confidential, experienced with the musician. She said she first realized she was in a relationship gray area when he ghosted her multiple times without any warning, despite doing "couple-y stuff" like sex and staying up late.

"It may be because of my attachment style kaya I kept letting him come back in my life thinking it was love on my part; I have asked him twice already what that was but I got excuses so I think deep inside I knew that it will never progress to more than just a 'magulong usapan' but I still held on to hope," Lian the entrepreneur tells SPOT.ph.

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Media intelligence practitioner JM matched with someone in Bumble right after election day. Late-night video calls turned into dinner dates that lasted almost four months, only for JM to end it because his match wasn't ready to define the relationship.

"He wants to explore people; I want to propose something more serious and permanent. It just happened that I was talking to a romantic virgin. It wasn't plain friendship for both of us for sure, but it was neither something romantic. It was affectionate, at most," he says.

While unlabeled relationships can work for some, others are quick to feel attached—leaving them unfulfilled or even heartbroken especially when boundaries aren't established, said clinical psychologist Joseph Marquez. The question is: Do you want to be in a situationship and can you stay in one? 

What is a situationship and why do we enter into this relationship gray area?

Situationship is such a relationship gray area that it's difficult to box it into one definition. Ask around and some would say it's neither what millennials would call "friends with benefits" nor "mutual understanding" (MU) because they are labels on their own. Online dating app Bumble defined it as a new way of saying "it's complicated."  

"Situationship is chill lang, di sila official. Walang official emotions for each other. You go out, you date, maybe casual sex pero walang commitment," said Marquez.

Based on personal experience, Lian defined it as this: "You don’t know where you stand in each others’ lives. You don’t have the assurance of a commitment in times of doubt, and you do not have a right to demand closure if and when they suddenly leave you hanging. What you have with each other has no label therefore will never have rules or parameters. You go with the flow with no assurance of where things will lead you."

"A person may also realize that he/she doesn't necessarily want to enter into a relationship and that all he/she needs is a constant presence who he/she can talk with just about anything and be heard without any judgment. Some deem it wiser to stay this way rather than end up hurting themselves because they're not yet ready to commit," JM said.

It reflects the cultural shift in how Filipinos approach dating—like how girls asking guys out for a date was previously taboo but now common among the younger generation. Relationships nowadays are also less structured as millennials and Gen Zs prioritize their own growth as individuals, Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told NBC News.

Being in a situationship isn't necessarily a bad thing; after all, it depends on the person if they want to be involved in such an arrangement or not.

"We're so used to finding security in relationships so kung hindi ka aware na ganun lang kayo in the first place, it can be a bad thing for you. Kung hindi naman 'yun ang motive mo of dating someone, then you're not fit for a situationship."

Are you in a situationship?

What are the signs you're in a situationship?

No plans, no commitments. If there are attempts to do so, it's usually met with lukewarm, non-committal responses. Conversations to meet up are usually for hangouts or casual sex.

Conversations may be at a surface level and depend on the immediate need of one or both parties. Maybe you've known each other for years, yet you still don't know enough about them.

Meeting the family is out of the question. The situationship strictly stays between the two persons involved, possibly because you haven't spent enough time together to factor into plans with loved ones.

There are no "what's next" talks because there may be no plans to stick around for long.

Also read: 10 Anthems for Your Non-Relationship Relationship

Pros and cons of being in a situationship

The biggest advantage of being in a situationship is that there are no commitments and fewer responsibilities, said Marquez. No baggage, no frills, and possibly, no emotional investment involved.

The downside? "Hindi siya stable. Wala kang makukuha; wala kang habol," said Marquez.

"The constant questioning of your worth, of your status, and all the second-guessing outweighs any pros of a situationship," said Lian.

It's also a trap for "marurupok," said JM.

"If not managed well, it can also waste precious time that you could've used to get to know other, better people."

Also read: Your Grief Over a No-Label Relationship, Pet's Death is Valid

Should I stay or should I go?

Being in a situationship may go several ways: it can fizzle out as quickly as it started, it can stay as long as you want it to be, or it can escalate into a relationship. The important thing is that you have to be open to these possibilities, and that you and your situationship partner should make your intentions clear to avoid confusion that could hurt one or both parties.

If you're the type to easily get emotionally attached and you can't do casuals, maybe you have to rethink if a situationship is good for you.

For JM, it's important to avoid setting expectations so you wouldn't end up hurting yourself. If possible, set a time frame until when the situationship would last.

Knowing your core values and having proper communication are keys to success, said Marquez. Whether you want to stay in a casual situationship or you want to take it to the next level, learn how to talk to your partner about it, said Marquez.

"If you feel na parang balewala ka... talagang you have to get out of there kasi you would feel less valued. 'Pag less valued, bababa self-esteem mo, feeling mo may kasalanan ka. It's okay to be sad but you have to get out of there kasi continuously ka lang masasaktan."

For Lian, her heartbreaks are lessons learned and she wears them like a badge.

"They made me who I am now," she said with a smiley emoji.

"It's a learning opportunity, a learning experience for you na may mga tao talagang ganun lang ang gusto so next time, you know what to do," said Marquez.